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Dialog with inner voice: Day 7 of 30 of Write Yourself Alive writing challenge

WriteYourselfAlive 30 Day Challenge. Writing prompt: Write a dialog

Recall an event that has had a great emotional impact on you but which you have a hard time talking about. Write a conversation between two people, real or imaginary, past, present, or future...

I can only think of the impact the cellos and piano music I heard last night had on me, and still ring in my ears. It's difficult to describe in words because I don't want to. Music speaks. Bruno Sanfilippo from Barcelona. I'd never heard him before. It infiltrated me as it reached into me with each sound, to say 'I understand you. I'm here. Don't worry.'

music that infiltrates

I start shrinking when I imagine being addicted to this music, not wanting to pull away. I brought it with me to my room and plugged it in to sleep. I wanted to learn through my dreams more of what it has to say. I drank extra wine just to make sure I heard it. Part of its reach is melancholy and heartbreak, while remaining intriguing and healing.

The fear is having vivid images (i.e., stories that need to dissolve) of whatever it stirs inside me. I instead want to feel the purity of the music and bypass my psychological mind, building a portal straight to the physical energy of whatever it is, to bathe it. I want to *feel* all of what it has to say. I fear that maybe I'm not supposed to feel it (whatever it is) any other way than a detached behavioral story to replay over and over in my psyche, for purposes of recreating "it" within the realm of my own entertainment.

Teardrops form and I like it, followed by my message I'm drawn to write and post or send; then I emotionally detach. It's soothing for me to do this; I see my quick mental processing working its magic as fast as my metabolism works me physiologically. And then I'm renewed, processed, lighter, freer, relieved.

a portal straight to the heart

Reversing the statement... I'm lighter and free so I process quickly in order to cry, so as not to replay a story for egoic entertainment. I feel somatically through a portal straight to my heart. I listen to music that speaks on the edge of fear and sadness. I'm impacted. hmmm

(Dialog with the inner voice, the behavioral pattern)
You are where I attach my heart
    I'm a projection, don't you see
It's you who doesn't see that I am able to see something in you that you cannot
    I don't want you to want me
I don't want to hurt you
    I won't let you hurt me because I won't open up
I will find a way in the crack, the one you least suspect
    I smile when I feel safe with you, but then I feel again
You feel your heart and it cares about me
    I want to trust that you don't love me
That isn't possible, and you can't control me in that way
    Is it really about control
I am who I am and so are you; you cannot direct its course
    I didn't realize I was
I want you to see me from where you are down there and rise up
    I don't know how
Trust me
    I don't know how to trust again, you will leave me
No I won't
    You already are
I'm trying to let go of you and wanting you to be more
    I don't want you to go
I have to run away, disappear... to reset who I am
    Then I will be able to see your love
Why are you doing this to me
    It has to be my idea
It is, I'm leaving

"Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves."

« (Mis)understood through silent insinuation: Day 21 of 30 of Write Yourself Alive writing challenge | Main | My Writing Space: Day 3 of 30 of Write Yourself Alive writing challenge »

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