I finally published my book. Fifteen years in the making. I needed to emotionally distance myself from the content before publishing.

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Book description:

My Secret Innuendo®: In the Tiniest House of Time is a collection of poems and creative expression written during the most raw years of a woman's life—grief, heartbreak, healing—finally given room to breathe after more than a decade has passed. The title itself is a quiet metaphor: words and memories stored within a house in the mind, timeless yet suggestive and evocative. Sad, honest, and unapologetically real, this collection is for anyone who has ever had to write their way through the dark to find the light. She shares them now as they are: art. If you've ever needed permission to feel everything at once—and read or write about it—this book is for you.

As I write, I usually see a cat hair flurry by through the air. Cats know when I need them, usually when I'm sad or something is brewing to the surface, and they know that their purr heals. They know instinctually to purr on me whenever I'm writing—at least when it's my heartfelt creative work. (If it's analytical, where I'm making lists, numbers or angry, they stay away).

I write because I want to get in touch with my heart. There is a longing that rises to the surface through my fingertips, when I'm feeling safe to let it out. That expression allows me to be those expressed words, when before I was shielding myself from being me.

Today, I spend the day motivating and helping my almost-18-year-old daughter write a 15-page play for the San Mateo Traffic Court judge in the Juvenille Court. We had the awesome experience of opting to meet with the judge on a speeding ticket of hers. We includes me because until she is 18, it's all about the parent.

I was dressed up today wearing a suit. This hasn't happened in decades, it seems. I'm a freelance writer and yoga teacher. And I'm a mother of three. For many years, I'm not sure I brushed my hair every day.

I take my writing cue today from Long Distance Love Bombs. He told me to "seek intimidation, hunt fear" and to basically search for opportunities today to go to my edge of confidence so that I can finally see that I already have all the answers!

"There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." ~Nelson Mandela.

Now I know why this quote struck a chord in me today. I've been searching for a connection between my past description of bliss and my present lifestyle.

I've learned how to take on chaos and turn it to calm. I have a son who drives.

‍He has a new BMW "project car."

I saw someone I know last night, mid-bite, stand up and kill a spider with her fork. The spider was crawling up the wall nearby in the restaurant but not too close to us.

It's a theme rising with others in this group too, namely me: feminine and masculine (emphasizing one over the other). Who should we show externally to the world to succeed? To succeed as writers? As financial bread winners? As parents? As entrepreneurs?

I have a unique iPhone text sound for my favorite people. I dreamed this morning right before waking up of one of my favorite person text sounds. While still dreaming, the text read "I dropped 10". Then I woke up. I laid there in bed trying to figure out what it meant.

I had a dream last night of a cave where I've got giant tongs to reach into the cave and pull out stuff that needs to go. I pulled out one big black thing with tentacles that I wanted to throw away quickly without any of it touching me. I said, "My Vulnerability".

When dishes become psychology

‍I find joy in defying order. I like to be a rebel against someone who once tried to control me (and no longer can because that scenario never lasts). For instance, right now I am smiling at the sink full of dishes in the kitchen.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Cliché I know. Or can you? When I met my parents for dinner last night, a conversation came up around the food choices we make when we're older. [I think that in the back of my mind each day I am preparing for my next day's theme]. I immediately knew that I need to write about the old dogs, me being one of them, but my predecessor started this and my kids will follow.

I just want to escape. It's what I think about most lately. It's not that my current life is mundane, but I desperately crave some alone time where it's ok to space out and do whatever I want. What a dream to have very little responsibility except to myself and my own health.

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First, I will find the authorized Mysore Ashtanga teacher and the yoga studio to do my Mysore six mornings per week.

I'm trying an experiment today to get inspired to write. I also have a task to do and don't mind you watching me do it. I'm playing my entire iTunes library on Shuffle, and part of the job is to discard songs which really do not need to be with me any longer.

Today's first theme is time and second is Seven

‍"Oh yea, you're the one who skipped First Grade and missed the how-to-tell-time lesson," eloquently put by someone who depends on me. Yes, I'm the one.

You gotta love the days when you wake to a low battery high-pitched beep on a smoke detector in the house, especially during those "snooze" 9-minute sections where you love sleep the most.

My theme continues... the one where I'm not supposed to do anything. Not doing a thing except holding the universe together sounds good.

I want a tattoo with cherry blossoms. Symbolizing bravery, love, wisdom and spiritual awareness, I need them most on my left side of my body. This is the side of receiving, yin and not doing. I need to celebrate all of who I am and never allow myself to forget how to receive all that I deserve.