Master of Arts in East-West Psychology from California Institute for Integral Studies
Publishable Papers
As If Gathered Together for Me [An Evolution of My Inner Dialogs (Anima/Animus) While Studying Carl G. Jung], May 10, 2011
The Sacred in Everyday Life [How Mind-Body Feels Spirit Through Hatha Yoga], December 3, 2008
You Are the Space Between Reason [Holding a Space for Grief], December 7, 2014
Balance Me [Anatomical Systems and Subtle Body as Experienced Through Ashtanga Yoga], May 20, 2015
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1) As If Gathered Together For Me [An Evolution of My Inner Dialogs (Anima / Animus) While Studying Carl G. Jung]
California Institute of Integral Studies | Robin Ellen Lucas
Jungian Psychology and East-West Spirituality (EWP-7311), Brendan Collins, May 10, 2011
Abstract
This paper describes the nature of my mind as I evolve in my poetic writings throughout the semester studying Carl G. Jung in Jungian Psychology and East-West Spirituality. Our souls speak our truest inner language and have a masculine quality for a female and a feminine quality for a male. My writings from my secret innuendo[1]are my personal blog and my version of Jung’s Red Book[2] and use my own version of Active Imagination[3] to entice the words to come alive. Through discussions on the anima / animus and female / male polarities, I come to conclusions about myself that I have always contemplated. I finish my paper with a discussion on what happened to my dialogs once I presented the material in this paper to my CIIS classmates.
I am exploring the nature of my mind as I speak through my inner dialogs. Carl G. Jung believed that our souls, (also known as, our anima[1] or animus[2]) speak our truest inner language and have a masculine quality for a female and a feminine quality for a male. This is important to me, as my inner dialogs are a vibrant part of my openly creative artistic words and I am a female who truly does feel that I speak inside to a male soulful counterpart. I have felt this all of my life, but at least since nine years old when I started writing in a private diary. Although I still have some of my ancient diaries on the top shelf of my closet, I do not seek to dig up their gems at this time, but rather to find where my truth lies today. Specifically, I notice a shift in me from week to week as this Jungian Psychology and East-West Spirituality class progressed. I will present my poetic writings from my secret innuendo[3] which show this evolution in an indirect way—a secret in and of itself. My objective is to show the secret of my soul as it explores its way through the themes presented surrounding Jung. My blog mentioned above which I started over a year ago publicly on the internet is my version of Jung’s Red Book[4] and comes from a deep place inside me, yet secretive. I have always used my own version of Active Imagination[5] to entice the words to come alive.
Ever since I read Jung's description of the anima / animus where the soul of a man is feminine and the soul of a woman is male, something inside me made more sense. Even though this is an old-fashioned theory criticized by the modern world of today[6], I personally feel it. It is not only that I am fascinated by the masculine and feminine polarities between couples as it is the innate nature of the voice of the soul.
Anima / Animus
The anima and animus, or Jung’s soul, are also the unconscious mind. The soul of a male finds its expression as feminine, otherwise known as the anima or the totality of the unconscious feminine qualities that a male possesses such as sensitivities that are often repressed. Equivalently, the soul of a female finds its expression as masculine, otherwise known as the animus or totality of masculine qualities that a female possesses.
Jung seemed to create an entire world around “the idea that the soul [or anima / animus] is the factor which relates the person to his or her inner world” (Corbett, 1996, p.122). Even though we each inhabit both feminine and masculine traits within us, on a whole I am a feminine female whose tiny roots reach out to blend with a masculine male[7]. I speak to my soul inside me in an inner dialog as if a lover. My soul is my animus in its pure form of masculine.
The animus, the deepest part of me who knows me without speaking, seems to have a union with me that only a male could. Corbett (1996) tells us that “the soul image tends towards wholeness by connecting us with the Self” (p. 122), and so it is with my instincts. I want to know this self of me, seeking wholeness as an individual psychologically and spiritually, but universally too.
Feminine and Masculine Polarities
One of the largest gifts you can give [her] is your capacity to open her heart when it is closed… your masculine thunderbolt of love can brighten her darkness in a way she can’t do for herself… Shout at her louder than you ever have and then kiss her passionately. Press your belly into her until she melts... Open her heart with your humor. Penetrate her closure with your fearless presence. Open her heart, again and again and again. She could do it by herself, but if she could grow more by herself than by receiving your gifts, perhaps she shouldn’t be with you. (Deida, 1997, p. 64-65)
David Deida's work has inspired me ever since I read his book The Way of the Superior Man in 2007. As soon as I learned of Jung’s anima / animus description, I connected the two and knew that my own soul speaks to me now to focus on this next in my path of self-discovery.
I am drawn to masculinity. The surge of testosterone, strength, and primal mannerisms are what I want to melt into without even speaking. I can feel my intentions and that of his clarified in silence, even in shyness. Like there are parts of us, between my feminine and his masculine, which immediately know and bashfully and instinctually want to join in a no-nonsense manner, without any drama necessary to explain.
In undergraduate college I was named Bob by my best friend. This name stuck for many years for many friends, including my husband. Eventually after my divorce when I realized that the primary reason it went wrong was because the polarity in our union was off, and it was as if I were forced into the masculine role, I decided Bob was no longer a good name for me. I am now my feminine self again and it feels good! It feels especially good to realize that I do not need to fulfill that role anymore that I played most of my life—following in my father’s footsteps to be the strong person who holds down the fort, which was the opposite of my mother. What a relief to know that I no longer had to wear that fictitious mask and be someone I am not.
As Easwaren (1985) depicts in the Bhagavad Gita, “When a person responds to the joys and sorrows of others as if they were his own, he has attained the highest state of spiritual union” (p. 134), so too do I feel about the feminine and masculine meeting to form a complete balance. When the anima and animus speak wholeheartedly to what rings most true, the highest spiritual union is attained.
In a moment I can wonder where this other part of me is now as I feel him speak to me. I have to whisper silently to ask him to come to me because my feminine needs to be pursued by the masculine in order to be true to itself. To be filled in this way, where he just knows, is for the union to happen without request. Metaphorically, I yearn for the touch of his river flowing toward me. As the river settles to the ocean I am the mix of his warrior and my wave.
Spiritual weakness is evident to me when I feel powerless. It is evident during times when I remorsefully feel as if I am failing and therefore need to act more dominant in order to reach out and win my male counterpart. Yet, the act in and of itself merely matches what I pursue, as if I am looking into a mirror. Yet I am lured to feel vulnerable and claimed, which to me is accessing my true feminine essence.
My poems and secrets to my soul
During the first week of class “Basic Concepts: Jungian Psychology & the Psychology of Religion,” I started to reawaken my honest expression in words. Immediately prior to this class I was in a slump, feeling the need to be silent. I felt in my first reflection paper that although I have plenty of thoughts and realizations, they are often in an energetic form with no words to describe them as if words ran out of letters, or as if the best way to describe me cannot be done with words. I was content with this notion of allowing myself to be nondescript and elusive as I began this class and found my inner rebel pressured a bit to explain my psychology when I simply felt soothed by my belief in its mystery and poetic form. But, as I read Jung (1961) I relaxed as I realized that we were kindred spirits in a sense; he contemplated the same:
but I do not know what I really am like… I am a man. But what is it to be that? Like every other being, I am a splinter of the infinite deity, but I cannot contrast myself with any animal, any plant or any stone. Only a mythical being has a range greater than man’s. How then can a man form any definite opinion about himself? (p. 4)
In turn I felt the secretive dialog arise in me as I wrote one of my favorite poems on 1/28/11[8], which immediately inspired the name of my Red Book (otherwise known as my my secret innuendo previously called robin’s blog).
you sparkle
with your gift
i slept next to you
last night
you are my wish, you knowand you are mine
where are you now
in this moment
stepping lightly
through misty time
with a fire not forgotten?you say, don’t rush it
but stay on the edge:
your whisper…to you i respond, i believe you
my secret:
your innuendo...it’s time
to open the door
if ever so slightly
to mei am here
and i knew you
before
i knew you were coming (Lucas, 2011)I speak to a separate entity out there somewhere, not within myself. This entity is masculine and as if a counterpart that I seek, and is my attempt to prepare myself for my animus. This explains my state of mind for many years preceding this writing. It was as if this poem encapsulated many years in my history.
Next we moved on to “Jung’s Essential Writings on Religion” and on 2/2/11[9] I wrote:
tell me how you do it
remaining
still
yet luring
silent…
pulsing
as a mystery
i asked for long ago
you know
i prefer no answer
because i know you
are not done yet
telling the truth
and are as honest
as the way
you were
when i first knew
in that fine moment
that with you
how could you not
be a secret…you sighed through the sky
and i heard you say that
i’m still here
you are priceless (Lucas, 2011)Here, my dialog has assumed responses. I see my sense of vulnerability with my soul, presenting my questions but not wanting to wait for the answer in case it was not what I wanted to hear. In my skillful way I explain that I do not want to know yet anyway and why. It is vivid to me that this dialog is with my animus and is clearly a male.
In my weekly reflection paper I wondered what was essential in breaking through the shadow. I was creeped out by a dream with clear snake symbolism as my skin was shedding off, which obviously stands for renewal. But as all dreams have multiple meanings, many of which are uniquely personal, I know that snakes creep me out so I was getting in touch with this entity which I have developed into a creature with scales that I cannot look at[10]. It is what hides in the shadow, which I try to hide from, which looks at me through eyes that appear to be stalking and does not say a word. I start to uncover my knowledge that there is a beautiful side that hides behind the shadowy creature and that it truly believes that I am priceless. The snake is also the Kundalini energy, a name given to the powerful energy that is said to lie dormant at the base of the spine and may rise like a serpent to flow up the spine to the head, awakening energy centers on the way. Experiencing this rise through my Hatha yoga practice for years has been my key to feeling my priceless nature, as it moves from the lower chakras like a vacuum cleaner up to the top to find my true secrets, mysteries and active imagination that is capable of creating my most cherished words.
The third week was “The Search for Meaning” where my search prompted me to wonder if I am to find the answers in silence or emotion. I dreamed of big oceans waves that concerned me yet were awe-inspiring signs to follow as I found myself next at the shore between where a wave breaks and starts, with a large sandy space in between and a teacher explaining the art to being within them. I had no fear. The same energy created this poem on 2/8/11[11] as inner dialog between me and a spiritual teacher, my soul:
as soon as i think i know
then i remember
that i don’t…you’re already there
don’t forget
who you arei won’t turn anything on
or off
can i just be me?can’t you try to keep your soul
and fill your heart
but not take mine?you mean let the ground speak
through my feet? (Lucas, 2011)you’re irresistible to me
in ways that i cannot tellfind a way
to show me (Lucas, 2011)Here I speak to my animus directly in an open dialog. The sand is the ground that I am advised to find in between feeling emotion so that I do not get carried off. I remember that the dream character was male and I remember while writing the poem that I was speaking to a male as if in the form of a previous man in my life, now as a ghost. As this is my soul that I am speaking to, I notice how I feel that I am not allowed to have this part of me. I question whether or not I am doing something wrong in bringing all my parts together in wholeness to enjoy.
I also had questioned Edinger (1992)’s warning in my reflection paper where he mentions,
There is a danger of succumbing to the concretistic fallacy whenever we are tempted to apply a symbolic image to external physical facts for the purpose of manipulating those facts in our own interest. Symbols have valid and legitimate effects only when they serve to change our psychic state or conscious mind. Their effects are illegitimate and dangerous when applied in a magical way to physical reality. (p. 111)
I want to make sure that I do not look for symbolism, thereby giving me permission to “keep” and “take” the soul I seek (as if I am doing something wrong), but rather let life happen magically.
As we moved on in the fourth week to “The Undiscovered Self” I began to feel more comfort with my inner conversations as I addressed this undiscovered self and wrote on 2/12/11[12]:
you are a mystery and a mind who flies
among thoughts, reacting to time
in a body, yet not… memories
only a part of you because
you know there’s a space
between, that is silent
it will heal you if
you let it
speak
and know
you, before you do
for a reason unknown
but do it anyway because
it is your trip through life
we are more real every day (Lucas, 2011)I realize here that this mystery I speak to (e.g. animus) is undiscovered, yet a mysterious part of me. It is becoming more real to me and clear to me here that it is my purpose in life to get to know this side of myself. I am lighter and freer now at this point[13]. Discovering this self is the key to finding the right relationship in real life with a man. At this point my undiscovered self answers back to me with a smile, as it should. As Jung (1970) said, “It is frivolous, superficial, and unreasonable of us, as well as psychically unhygienic, to overlook the reaction and standpoint of the unconscious” (p. 290). It is happy to be seen.
On the fifth week “Psychology and Spiritual Symbolism,” I reflected in the reading by Corbett (1996) about seeing ourselves like a mirror in those who are most important to us where he says, “Intrapsychically, the self does not end at the skin. It includes those who are affectively important to us” (p. 27). I adamantly discussed my best friend in my reflection paper starting to go through psychotherapy and an argument we got into. I found myself very emotionally involved in her discussions with me about therapy as I saw myself in a mirror and re-experienced intense projection and transference with a male therapist[14]. It was by feeling in alliance, psychologically and intrapsychically, with my doctor whom I idealized, that I was able to feel safe enough to visit the shadows of my unconscious. I was emotionally entrenched in this idea of speaking within to my soul, to whom I humanized in the therapeutic relationship.
I felt safe and acknowledged the masculine safety in the poem I wrote 2/18/11[15]:
will you catch me
if i fall?
i am jaded by my past that haunts me
the wild are free
and unpredictable
and contagious
and luringyes…
i always love their mirrors
that show me
myselfit was already yours… (Lucas, 2011)
In my dialog with my animus at this point, I am flat out asking questions and responding openly. I am seeing that this heart and love I seek is already mine, and already within my reach, yet at the time I saw it in terms of a man in reality and this love made me feel empowered. I also see that I have a built-in safety within me already.
During the sixth week “Individuation as a Spiritual and Psychological Process,” I discovered Jung’s writings on the anima and animus for the first time. I knew with certainty that Jung’s view of the soul as masculine for a woman (animus) and feminine for a man (anima) should be the theme for my final paper as it resonated with me clearly – in fact, most of my adult life! Jung seemed to create an entire world around “the idea that the soul (or anima) is the factor which relates the person to his or her inner world” (Corbett, 1996, p.122). I wrote with such confidence and certainty on 3/4/11[16]:
you are my soul…
i see you as i am inside
looking out
to feel
with your magical sight
positioning yourself
to give me eyesbut still i ask
who are you anyway?
i know what i know what i don’t have
do you?you have spaces
that my spaces fit in always
leaving me speechless
you are precious and tough
i’m reaching for youyou are a smile that lasts from the first light
to the last dream of you
and for you…to see you is to hear you
knowing this about me
ever-changing as you read
my mind
to bring me my finest momentsand so i speak to you
we are reason realized
my world inside
as my tiny roots blend with you (Lucas, 2011)I spoke to the animus directly as I went inside myself to acknowledge the true existence. I realized it was possible to communicate with this entity without having to engage with such an unknown mystery. I brought us together as one referring to “we.”
In the seventh week “Jungian Psychology & Taoism, “ I became encapsulated in the yin / yang symbolism of masculine and feminine opposites and how life balances itself out. My poem on 3/11/11[17] was:
you brought me up
from the shadows
a mystery of parts
crying
a voice heard only
by the ground
healing
through air,
now whole…
balanced on me
to float
in your way you
could see what others did not
within the cells behind parts
how?I am proud to see that here I continue dialog with the masculine safe counterpart but now refer to myself (not “we” as if one) as whole. Like a marriage where two are entities yet complete each other, my animus lead me on my own journey to my shadows so that I could heal and bring what was unearthed above ground to fly in the air[18].
In the ninth week “Yoga Chakras as Psychological & Spiritual Development,” I find my final reflection for this class on my inner dialog. This time I speak in the form of Kundalini energy, which is no stranger to me and was made possible for me most potently as a combination of feminine and masculine energies. Now that I have studied Jung I feel this energy in a more palpable way which bridges together the yogic energy of the chakra systems and my own psychology. This kundalini energy moving through the chakras is now, for me, in and of itself the soul animus rising up through the channels within me to complete me. It speaks to me in its own dialog as it moves up. Each chakra has its own theme and voice. I wrote on 3/31/11[19]:
you complete me as you rise
to fill every gap
with each perfect
complement
knowing
you truly
to be full
of cells
immersed
in your deep
as the covers of me
of time
left
basking
purely invisible (Lucas, 2011)
The poem is in a specific shape to represent the extent to which each of my chakras is open and available. As read inversely, when my lower chakras (one, two, three) are “clogged”, I am full of emotional mayhem and prone to projections of my own issues onto unsuspecting situations. Shaped like an hourglass, I guard my heart chakra (four), communicate effectively to myself but not publically and only let through what is precious and worthy of spirit (six, seven).
Presenting my dialogs
I now see my inner dialogs more vividly as a mixture of spirituality, psychology and love. I hide them in secret for a reason because they are the best part of me! As I woke this morning (the day of finalizing this paper), I spoke to a dream character, “You can listen but please smile and react. If you only stare blankly then I can read your demeaning thoughts too easily loud and clear.”
Since my presentation of my poems in person for the first time on 4/29/11, previously on the internet to mostly strangers, I have gone silent even in my mind, having exposed a special place that I protect. The experience was sort of numbing for me in that I did not feel the words but rather the walls of the container that protects them. The container is not used to having eyes that look back at its voice. It has been eye-opening.
In one sense, the feeling I have now in this moment two weeks later is that of saying to them now that they are to blame for silencing me. Their silence was so loud and full of such criticism, laughter, wishful eyes rolling, or somber stares of pity. I also was thinking that the reason for their silence during and after my presentation was that there is a part of their own vulnerabilities inside my words that they are unable to reach themselves, so they avoided me just in case theirs comes up. But, I know that most of this is all psycho-babble. The people in the room were all gracious -- and I cannot imagine a more inviting and supportive environment than this class at CIIS. It is my own voice of pity that rolls its eyes at the vulnerable person inside.
And now two weeks later, I feel a silent joy that my words have been spoken, and a triumph that I allowed myself to enter protected territory, leaving me speechless.
References
Corbett, L. (1996). The Religious Function of the Psyche. New York, NY: Routledge.
Deida, D. (1997). The Way of the Superior Man. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.
Easwaran, E. (1985). Bhagavad Gita. Boston, MA: Shambhala.
Jung, C. G. (1961). Memories, Dreams, Reflections. New York, NY: Vintage Books.
Jung, C.G. (1970). The Collected Works of C.G. Jung: The Undiscovered Self [Present and Future]. Vol 10. Princeton, RI: Princeton University Press.
Lucas, R. E. (2005-2011). my secret innuendo. Retrieved April 29, 2011 from http://mysecretinnuendo.com.
Footnotes[1] http://mysecretinnuendo.com I came up with this final name during this class. It used to be called robin’s blog.
[2] Jung’s secret writings of his own soul using Active Imagination.
[3]A meditation technique developed by Jung. The unconscious is depicted as images and thoughts that are highly imaginative and personal to the individual.
[4] Female. Thought to be the voice of the soul for a male individual.
[5] Male. Thought to be the voice of the soul for a female individual.
[6] http://mysecretinnuendo.com I came up with this final name during this class. It used to be called robin’s blog.
[7] Jung’s secret writings of his own soul using Active Imagination.
[8] A meditation technique developed by Jung. The unconscious is depicted as images and thoughts that are highly imaginative and personal to the individual.
[9] Feminists (including feminists who appreciate many aspects of Jung) have complained that anima / animus can be seen as just so much gender stereotyping, but it's a complex dynamic that Jung is describing. I see it differently.
[10] I also believe, but do not explore in this paper, that feminine males seek out masculine females. Furthermore, that friendships with the same gender or love relationships with the same gender contain one masculine counterpart and one feminine counterpart.
[11] http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2011/01/28/i-believe-you-your-innuendo/
[12] http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2011/02/02/you-sighed/
[13] I will not discuss the Freudian symbolism here which seems obvious. I have been down that road in my 3 years of dream interpretation 24x7 while doing psychotherapy. Now I seek to find a deeper level that speaks in spirit and as a part of me.
[14] http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2011/02/08/find-a-way-to-show-me/
[15] http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2011/02/12/an-anonymous-soul/
[16] It was also at this point that I was falling in love with a man in my life in reality. Much of my writing seemed to be written to him at this point, but also to the spiritual world (as this is how we connected as well). Still, I was very much conversing in my own dialog in the same way I had been for years.
[17] Ten years ago.
[18] http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2011/02/18/it-was-already-yours/
[19] http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2011/03/04/reason-realized/
[20] http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2011/03/11/within-cells-behind-parts/
[21] Air in my writing stands for spirituality. I later learned on the Alchemy week that my notion also comes from this.
[22] http://mysecretinnuendo.com/2011/03/31/covers-of-me-of-time/
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2) The Sacred in Everyday Life [How Mind-Body Feels Spirit Through Hatha Yoga]
California Institute of Integral Studies | Robin Ellen Lucas
Transpersonal Psychology (EWP-6752), Olga Louchakova, December 3, 2008
You are sacred, my everyday life. Through you I see the Divine world in all its forms. I see your magic and your subtle qualities. I see love. “Love is the way messengers from the mystery tell us things.” (Rumi). You tell me things all day long, as I open my eyes to your messages.
I ask you to help me because I cannot get in touch with this magic by myself. It is my integral need to be part of the greater reality. I am not alone in my existence. I need you to help show me the way. I follow you who are my path. “Tasmai sri guru vey namaha” (Vedantic scripture)–I bow to the teacher who is this path.
I identify with Abraham Maslow’s discussion on a life with a self-actualized, spiritual life that contains intermittent peak experiences but that most of our life is categorized by the experience of the sacred in the ordinary in everyday life (Scotton, Chien, Battista, 1996). Peace and serenity come from truly waking to our experience in everyday life as sacred. Each moment is full of signs, symbols, vibrations and subtle energy that guide me on my path. I believe in the whole spectrum. Acknowledging the sacred has changed my life and continues to on a daily basis.
Hatha yoga has been the container with which I have been able to contact my spirit as it moves through me, helping me to bring more depth and Divine connection to my everyday life. The deeper spiritual aspects of yoga have changed my life, reinforcing my mind-body connection, and adding a spiritual flavor to my western analytical thought process. It is my mind-body that interprets the transpersonal. I have always been an observer to my own thoughts and energy but also of others around me as I watch the aura of others, feeding me but also their being, and feel the subtle field change sometimes in seconds, breath by breath.
I cannot will my way to this state of mind or think my way to it. I need physiological stimulation to get there. It is the principle method of Hatha yoga, and indeed one of its aims, to move the energy to clear me, uncovering the gem behind that which is always there glowing just clouded over at times. Hatha yoga, having prepared the body to receive this knowledge expounds its certain presence in higher states of development. When I am in this desired state, aware and not clouded, time seems to disappear as all is felt at once. “Time is a river without banks.”[1] Life flows along yet without boundaries. Time and space seem to be oceanic and have no borders or distance as people I care for do not seem over there but here inside. There are no limits to what we can have…
“Knowing is natural” (Puhakka, 2000). Unless my vision is obscured, my experience is ever-changing. My awareness is evolving. Being still and letting life come to me, I notice more symbols and guides that alter my viewpoint and decisions. They come in many forms: nature, the same person over and over, a plane flying over in an auspicious pattern, the cloudy sky opening up to a patch of blue sky in the shape of a heart just as I look up thinking of a loved one, a line on a TV show as soon as I flip to it, or the same beaming color. Letting life come to me instead of plotting and planning is the key. The love of the moment, while knowing, is evolving within me. The sacred in every moment can easily be accessed by opening my channels and receiving it into my being.
The subtle energy rises its head in the form of the immanent Divine, permeating my ego. It is embodied in nature, people, conversations, and chance meetings. I have a transformed perception of the everyday reality. A person having this form of spiritual experience sees people, animals, and inanimate objects in the environment as radiant manifestations of a unified field of cosmic creative energy and realizes that the boundaries between them are illusory and unreal. (Grof, 2000, p.210)
By letting it move through me I am a more spiritually engaged person. However, the Divine has transcendent attributes as well as I tune into other channels, permeating my remaining persona, easiest to do during my Hatha yoga practice. I especially feel it as it moves through my body, in ways that cannot be explained. There is no logical meaning for what occurs for me in this state but it yields a deeper truth for me, transcending any material manifestation. Both immanently and transcendentally, the Divine energy is beyond words.
Like ether waves emanate sound if I listen closely, so do auras generate vibrant colors and move to the sound of heartbeats. Generating clarity and cleansing mental blocks acts from a place of unknowable strength and can pierce me in the heart to startle and awaken me, yet to remind me what has been true all along. While breathing darkened breath I can still come back to the nectar. I can only fully realize this power if I have cleared all the mental, physical, and spiritual blockages out with Hatha yoga. Prana[2] exists throughout the universe and I have been able to concentrate it and direct it in the body by breath while moving through yoga asanas. With my intensive experiential work in my Hatha yoga practice and my reading about the chakras (Judith, 1987), the energy centers located along the spine and in the head, connected by channels which funnel energy throughout the body, I came to learn and feel that all of my thoughts, mental symbols, and energy start at the base chakra one of security and survival.
When I am grounded in that thought as the Kundalini energy[3] moves up, it moves through the chakra two of desires, sexuality and creativity where my poetic expression comes alive. It moves to chakra three where momentum and kinetic energy build, physiologically getting my heart to beat faster and my life force to take off on its own undetermined path yet within my own boundaries. When the energy is ready, it pops out of its shell, into the heart-opening warmth in chakra four to a place where I am thinking and speaking intimately within from the heart clearly in chakra five. Basking in love and generosity, the energy moves up through the spine to a place of intuitive knowing in chakra six and finally to the crown of my head where I am one with the Ultimate Reality in chakra seven.
Then I am free. And when I’ve reached this place, I no longer know that I had a goal to get to this place. It is then that I am able to truly see and feel the transpersonal. It is in the stillness that it all comes to me as the primary channel of my experience, making the most sense to me in an energetic form that cannot be described in words. The ineffable feeling gets articulated within me, from a heartfelt space, in a poetic form. It is the Divine speaking through me; I have been given a gift with this mode of expression. It is what flows through my veins in that moment. You are reaching out, you are becoming me.
With you, there is just energy. There is no need for me to explain you. My proof of you is in my gut and my feeling that my heart is not alone. It is in the way I feel you looking at me. Although you are sometimes hiding in the shadows, covered by clouds that I need to dissolve, I know you are always there. I let you into me, into my knowing, when I feel you are there for me, when you cannot imagine your life without me. I will go with your flow to see what is meant for me, and open to all the real alternatives. I want to share you, wrap you up and feel you in the form of a real person so I can hold you. The reconstructed Shroud of Turin[4] is an image of you that makes me happy. It brings up warmth and protection. Most importantly, it exudes a realness. This man looks into me deeply with his eyes. It moves me. He protects me with his presence.
I want to touch you to truly feel you. “Happiness is only real when shared” (Krakauer, 1996). Happiness is possible to attain on our own by feeling transcendence yet only feels real when we remain engaged in our immanent nature, experiencing it.
With relation to other people, my consciousness is formed based on theirs. I am guided by running into them, catching a look, feeling an energy, hearing their mention of a thought that I had been thinking of all day. I am changed based on my interaction with them. My brain waves change, starting with the energy flowing through my body. Just one look can penetrate and start the energetic flow. It is a flow that lives on as a spirit, moving forward and removes all fear as it has a cleansing effect. Fear transforms itself to an excitement or an opportunity to evolve. I become soothed as if there is only a movement from myself to a unity with another person. There becomes no fear of losing them, losing myself, or being alone.
Without you, from whom I happened to get a glance, I would be without this fearlessness and purity, in this moment at least. With only me it is lonely. With energy that you sent with one glance, I am no longer alone. I am transpersonally full. Being able to let go of control I once had is freeing. You move me to freedom. You are my gift.
As I bask in the freedom, a yearning for it to continue to grow penetrates me in an all-encompassing way which results in a dissipation of the calm knowing, turning it instead to fear of the unknown and what I will need to go through to get it to endure. You scare me yet I am drawn to you. Desire is the deterrent to my clear knowing. The fear and uneasiness are the secondary phenomena.
By redirecting the energy that feeds the desire up to the higher chakras, I can ground myself and it feeds itself to my whole mind-body. When I taste what I am drinking, and sip it slowly, I am calmed. When I breath it in slowly, I let it fill me. With this breath, I have the power to fulfill my desires and feed myself from within. With this breath, I can feel you. I want you to move through me and then I feel safe, waiting for you to do it again, spontaneously catching me off guard. There is no uneasiness once I reach this place.
Kundalini energy in the lower chakras is intoxicating and full of life but it is not stable until it reaches the sixth chakra of intuition. My heart is so easily opened, but unless I direct spiritual intention to it, I bask in the love and do not want to close, and eventually am not able to until I begin again. In other words, I let people in, make them mine and then have a hard time letting them go. It is during these times which occur in everyday life that my energy remains stuck in the heart chakra. Respecting the power of my heart, welcoming it, knowing how big it is and that I contain all of my Self in it, is a key to unblocking the energy. Hatha yoga speeds up this process. It is here that it moves freely amongst all the chakras and feeling it can be a mystical experience.
Mystical religious experiences (MRE’s) bring out a new quality of being-ness, that in Sufism may be referred to as “taste” (Louchakova, 2006, p.7). In a spiritually awakened state, my thoughts become vibrant and are as if food. I gravitate toward my essence while in the desired state, as if my life depends on it. A mystical experience I can explain occurs in intense yoga classes where the fire and heat boil the water within me to create ether bringing me peace[5]. Here I want to touch the flame and hear the sound of it. Eventually, even across distance it activates me. It glows and excites me. Through these persistent experiences I am able to perceive the subtle world and am in tune with my intuitions like no other time. I have a fullness of being regardless of the state of my life outside of this experience. Phenomenology relies on “direct intuition as the means of knowledge. Direct intuition grasps and the inner contents of consciousness, teases out the essences, and makes them available to the analytical mind.” (Louchakova, 2006, p.6). I can feel my analytical mind speak to me via intuition. One moment can last, speak many words and futures, and build bridges to knowing it is all ok despite the rest on the outside edge of that moment.
Ontopoiesis is observable and describable intra-psychic phenomenon. It is poetic like a story. It is a prerequisite to spiritual emergence. In everyday life, it is in the subtle field. The idea is to see, feel and find meaning in what is occurring in this field as it is happening, which at first seems secondary to the experience. Embodying these experiences as they happen becomes the primary experience for me and are stronger for me when I open myself to their magic. This causes a reordering of the phenomenological field (Louchakova, 2006). It is amazing to me to realize that my spiritual experiences actually change the world!
During stages in my spiritual journey, I have been deeply in tune with telepathy, premonition dreams, clairvoyance, and perception of subtle fields with auras in people. My experiences effect not only me but others around me in yoga classes and in my community. We experience a universal world together. I experience pure awareness: Samadhi[6]. This heightens my sense of intuition. I’ve experienced what occurs if spiritual emergence includes ego-transcendence resolving into ‘pure awareness’ (known in Yoga as Samadhi), the phenomenal field of consciousness subsequently endures a number of specific, permanent changes. These include the persistence of spontaneous epoche, and the ‘transparency’ if inner space, i.e. activated direct intuition of the internal structures of consciousness. Spontaneous eidetic and transcendental reductions emerge. People with the experience(s) of pure awareness are more reflective in regard to their own development, that is, they possess a certain “ontopoietic intuition.”(Louchakova, 2006, p.15)
In doing so I have also been able to let order emerge from chaos, and restore wholeness to my Self.
Part of my study involves the question: What happens to me when I do not do Hatha yoga to reach my desired meditative state or any physical breathing exercises to move yogic energy? Am I able to connect with the sacred in everyday life and overcome my not doing my physical yoga practice and reach a desired end result? My energy behaves significantly differently if I sit still with the mentally blocked body and mind with no sacred connection vs. cleansing it to reach clarity of all that I am and am connected to. In not practicing my yoga, I note that although I try diligently to keep the spirit of yoga and the sacred in my everyday life, I see the challenges. When my body moves, my field of awareness expands from mind only (when sitting still) to full mind-body awareness. Spiritual and psychological meaning is trapped in my body until I move it.
So it is not surprising that my mind-body is intensely calmed through Hatha yoga with Kundalini energy moving through the chakras “causing the central nervous system to throw off stress… that will usually cause pain during meditation” (Louchakova, 2006), and the innocent sensation of reaching the ultimate calm cannot be topped. My mind transforms with this practice. The Kundalini experience improves my mental capacities and awareness of my body. Through this practice, I reach a transcendent state. I am seeking the sacred in my everyday life and this is the key for me to living out my days with peace and a spiritual awakening that is never-ending, always growing toward a deeper goal. Through this practice, I have evolved, have broken old taboos, followed my longing and found my true self in the fire of an open heart.
So without the undeniable effect of yoga, peace that I do reach does not last and can be triggered by loneliness, reaching a place where I cannot rest unless I am closer to you, wanting you to move through me, and fill me so that I know we are one; all the while, feeling that I do not know how to do this. It is the difference between choosing to be deeply in love or in chaos.
When the chakras have been cleansed with vibrant breath, there isn’t much that bothers me. I can then feel what is behind your eyes. I feel fed and it can last, creating a reality where all the questions have been answered sufficiently, without even answering them, and all goals reached without effort. It occupies the subtle space and becomes evident in the form of Divine energy. I’m not always able to rise to the highest chakra of transcendence, but at least to the sixth chakra of intuition. Taking it slow is important though as each experience builds on another.
take it slow my love
i let you come to me
just relax and observe
as you flutter your wings in my imagination
and reach my heart in silence
without touch
only moving into me
as you take me off guard
in an instant you become me
and then my world has changed
Another question I have is: what happens when I do too much Hatha yoga, using it as an escape? In my past this has caused spiritual crisis and the questioning of self-worth. Although, crisis is a prelude to the turning point of awakening (Grof, 1978), so in an ironic sense when I am drawn by my spirit to a seductive life of yoga, living and breathing it, it is happening for a reason in order to rise to a larger challenge. It “represents danger and opportunity” (Grof, 2000). While doing too much yoga for years as an escape, my unbalanced state led me to spiritual crisis as I experienced a shift from living a normal life, not entirely fulfilled somehow, to a slow degenerative state of mind which took me over in the form of fear. It led me on my path to spiritual awakening, getting out of the lifelong pattern of living. I realized, as driven by my moral crisis, that I consciously sped it up as I practiced more and more yoga like a drug, isolating myself more and more from friends and family into my inner world that I needed to do in order to find myself. I was obsessed to meet some end, knowing that the only way to open the door to peace was through this uneasiness and drama that I created. The crisis paved the way for me because I followed it as I bowed to my path as my teacher. “To realize one’s Personal Legend is a person’s only obligation. And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” (Coelho, 1988). If we look to fulfill a dream, it looks to find us just the same, if we let it. “If you have a passion for self-knowledge, it comes to you. You are already being guided.”[7]
In the midst of it all, I had a compelling experience on the dangers of disrespecting this Kundalini energy when I did not give it the justice it deserved. I tried to block the energy in
chakra two, reaching the peak of an intense relationship of many years during a connected yoga class. Unable to let myself feel the intensity of my desire, but instead feeling the other’s fears, I had a terrifying episode that persisted through a series of unrelated events to which I overreacted or was overly paranoid. The yoga class ended as I drew a vivid picture in my mind in meditation[8], which depicted the experience I was having from love to fear. It was Kundalini energy blocked in one of the chakras speaking its own language to me. It felt like a craziness taking over inside me. In the midst of my intensity, I did not practice what I preach: it is better to deal with what is inside me in a spiritual way than to wait until it grabs me.
Eventually, as I continued on this path, in an awakened state blissful and light, I then became unable to easily assimilate myself back into my family life and social life. I only wanted more of the blissfulness. My nervous system was too sensitive to handle the inrush of spiritual energy; it was overwhelming for me. It caused me anguish, driving me further and further inward into myself. I was not able to let go and trust the process of what was happening to me. I was in a state of illusion, confusing my Self with my higher self, seeing my higher self in others instead of in me. I chose to stay in my state of anguish, yet enlightened and isolated, as if under the influence of a drug. I kept doing Hatha yoga, up to 18 hours per week, driven both by my need to escape but also by my need to find peace on the other side of chaos.
In due course, I intuited that if I do not get grounded before letting the Kundalini energy rise, then I am at risk for mistaking spiritual thought, intuition, perception, and subtle field energies for fantasy. I had a dual task to master and unify it within myself but at first I didn’t recognize the complexity or accept the growth process so it recurred with unnecessary frequency as I was “too engrossed in the process of self-transformation, excluding the outer world with a single-minded and excessive introversion” (Grof, 1978). Natural introversion became a self-obsession.
It would be years later that I would finally experience the fruits of my labors, having another awakening which this time I was able and ready to grasp and take fully into myself. I learned the beauty of letting go of the need to control this transformation with constant attention. When I realized I was being taken care of by the universe, I let go and busied myself with other hobbies, interests and pursuits. It was my ability to live my life as if it were a Vipassana meditation, moving into the pain fearlessly, observing and feeling the core feeling driving my dramas, and then feeling the transformation as the idea floated away on a mental cloud, that I was liberated.
It gave me the insight that seemed to solve many problems all at once, finding my decisions intertwining with other worlds in a magical way bringing it all together. Hatha yoga prepared my body for the influx of the Divine experience so that I was, with determination, following it as my path, able to bring it all within myself fully. I had a sense of knowing and I was naturally content. “Knowing happens directly, when not even a thought comes between you and that which you know.” (Gurdjieff, 1978)
This experience prompted me to take a new and ever-lasting look at myself. I am an eater of “the poisonous leaves of the plant” (Welwood, 2000) in order to change their effect to truly feel them, and then become immune, as I gravitate toward inviting discomforting situations to exacerbate them to see my boundaries. In doing so it “unlocks the vital energy contained in the poisons – energy that can help us maintain our connection with the earth, our passion, and everyday life.” (Welwood, 2000). In other words, I go straight into the fire of my heart to clear out that which covers the truth of who I am. Sometimes this aggressive, yet potent, approach creates imbalance in my life with relation to my loved ones, so in recognizing it I feel cued to switch gears and take a more gentle approach to my world, letting my insides guide me slowly without need for explanations. A more seductive approach, which requires intention in that it is not my primary nature, is to see my path in life as an ineffable river that simply flows as I follow my instincts, moving my body and mind as if I’m escorted as a puppet on a Divine string.
Now it is as if a dim fire has been burning ever since. That is not to say that the spiritual flood does not ebb at times, over-clouding this dim fire, as “all the rocks and rubbish which had been covered and concealed at high tide, emerge again” (Grof, 1978). It is a viable alternative now for me, however, having experienced the bliss, to go quickly to the core in a meditative state
of mind, treating my mind playfully as if an animal that needs to be tamed. As Walsh says:
“One of the initial insights is commonly the realization that one’s usual state of mind is out of control, unaware, fantasy-filled, and dreamlike. Classical claims that the untrainied mind is like a wild drunken monkey and that taming it is the art of arts and science of sciences.” (Scotton, Chien, Battista, 1996, p.168)
Sometimes a simple awareness or breath brings me back, and other times it is like lifting a heaviness that seems unmovable, only dissolvable with determined energy work such as in yoga or Vipassana meditation. Then I am back to the sweet place. I know, like an onion, I will always go to another level and will always re-experience painful pasts. It is inevitable as a spiritual awakening is never completed. As Ram Dass says:
“In the course of the journey, we can expect that many times we will lose that balance point and be pulled to one side or the other. But we will regain it, because there is wisdom in our very bones that knows that the balance point between our humanity and our divinity is the seat of our compassion – the home of true happiness.” (Walsh, Vaughan, 1993, p.236)
Having had the experiences I’ve had, my world has changed and I’ll never turn back to who I was. Having the experience of the highest chakra, seeing a purple light in my skull during a meditation one evening during a yoga retreat, I keep this with me as a peak experience yet one to reach again as I will never forget the peacefulness of that experience. In trying to see the light again without success, I have come to question whether or not it can be attained again by trying, as if it only happened miraculously. The knowing of that experience has become ingrained into my being though. My next endeavor will be to dedicate more of myself to meditations such as Pratyahara[9], the fifth element among the eight stages of Patanjali’s Ashtanga Yoga, to allow the Self to come forth with an openness to the infinite possibility, so that once the Divine insight is revealed, the experience stabilizes and becomes second nature to me, and eventually my primary nature.
My yoga practice has shown me the way to plow my way through my old, destructive mental patterns, as if a visitor passing through removing dead ashes that long ago became the remains of that which has already been burned and purified. It is about realizing my karma, going outward, yet inward at the same time, to settle it. Each moment in my yoga practice and spiritual practice is sacred as each moment carries forward to the next and reinvents my experience. “Karma is the transmission of tendencies from one mind-moment to the next. Each grasping mind-moment carries forward a previous moment of grasping and passes it on to a successive moment.” (Welwood, 2000, p. 39). It is like ontopoeisis where my inner experience reorders the phenomenological field. I truly have the choice to either relive the reoccurrences over and over and stay stuck in them, or consume the Divine spirit flowing through me to change the subtle field and therefore, change my life.
I see order in the chaos logically and intellectually in my everyday life, but in yoga I see the other channel -- beauty and harmony in action. It is Brahma before my eyes… where I feel the truth through my body. I see what makes sense, what is trying to rise its head amidst an ocean of nonsense, as a juxtaposition to what is real. In a certain sense I bask in chaos, looking for answers, as the truth sometimes seems easier to see and feel from this angle, isolated and conspicuous. “The world thus appears as a complicated tissue of events, in which connections of different kinds alternate or overlap or combine and thereby determine the texture of the whole” (Capra, 1999). Doors open behind these blockages that are not otherwise accessible. “On the other side of chaos lies peace. And therein lies its magic.” (Hearts of Space, hos.com internet radio). Here, I feel you in the same space as me, feeling the same soulful spirit. You are moving through me and speaking to me.
Through yoga, I found my true self and fell in love with myself. I found a perfect love. I found a Divine love speaking through me that helps me grow. I have a heart-shaped hole in my soul that I breathe through like lungs. Magical breath turns fear into faith. Each breathe is a bead on a string that I keep like flower buds, surrendering to the same force that makes flowers grow.
I give much of my heart and soul to love in relationships. Relationships are sacred as others touch us in such deep ways. They allow me to open to myself and to the higher Divine presence in a potent way. Where two souls are connected, the vastness of the Divine world seems endless and speaks in ways that only the two lovers can understand. A conscious love “can inspire the development of greater awareness and the evolution of two people’s beings” (Welwood, 2006).
It is only, like magic, there or it is not. But, suddenly we can feel touched and seen, not as a personality, but in the depth of our being. We are fully ourselves and in touch with the other at the same time. It is beyond communication… it just happens. It just is. It is beyond time.
Learning to let life happen as it is meant to, even in love, is a beautiful thing. When I feel the intensity of my love, it is important for me to spread out the desire and emotion, directing the energy up to the higher chakras, not dwelling below. Breathing slow mystical mist with intention unblocks and balances out my desires, my heart and spirit. “Let love in and let love out; if you keep it, it turns into something else.” (Rusty Wells, Yoga Teacher). I take a meditative walk through my everyday life when I feel intense desire for someone I cannot have, or intense connections for someone I do have so that I see harmony in my world, doing away with gut-wrenching cravings or endless fantasy.
In this way, life can always be a new beginning because consciousness is always arising anew with each circumstance. I renew my Self as if from a new cocoon, waking to new ripened possibilities, having the potential to change as I return to innocence. I bow to the blessings seen and unseen, and it is all good as long as I am following my heart and letting it rise to spirit to show me the way on my path. Love is my guide, sent to me. It is perfection. “Jump to your feet, wave your fists, threaten and warn the whole universe that your heart can no longer live without real love!” (Hafiz)
I want to be followed, to be led and to be held. I want to know more about you and who you are to me. You are a guiding light, luring me to you, to a mystical chance whispering to me in symbols of light and feelings of knowing. I can feel you speaking to me, running through me, joining with me as if a magnet to a grander purpose I have yet to learn. Your power speaks timelessly, knowing time has no order. You ask me to follow you, yet you rest within me. Even when I hide from your sight, I am still here, just turned to the dark side of light, half of you, shining on half of me.
When I am feeling connected to another being in the transpersonal space, I am drawn to this place, making it my reality. I feel you communicating with me in a way that makes complete sense and I feel understood so, I let you in, and never have to let you go. I know you are real because I feel you. I want so much to know what you are thinking and to get closer to you so that I know when we speak without words, I know exactly what you are saying. Move through me and tell me.
On another channel there is just energy, no words or images. It is just a magnetic, vibrating feeling that takes the forefront of everyday experience. I cannot lose you. There is no need for me to chase you. I can come back whenever I want to find you as I never leave your thoughts.
My heart speaks to me in a Divine mode of expression or language that I have been blessed to feel. It speaks to me of subtle energy bridging you to me. The mere fact that I exist seems to excite you as you travel far just to touch me and to breathe my breath once, just to experience one Ultimate Reality that takes so many words to describe by so many minds yet is
indescribable. I am here because you are. You have a beautiful soul.
i whisper to you
stay with me, please
i speak to you as if a lover
we are equals occupying one space
you are me
breath me, feel me
believe in me
My heart speaks to me of the beauty of combining my soul with another being. In this moment we are on fire as the dim fire never goes out between our meeting. I want to look at you again and keep looking, drink you up, to have hours with you, staring into you. You are beautiful. I will not forget. You are beyond faceless. My soul is seeping into you. I cannot get close enough to you.
My heart speaks to me of knowing how much I want to get lost. I will swallow you whole, and then in one moment I will become you, no longer myself. Bring me with you wherever you go. You are surreal the way you move through me. You are inside me. You pierce me with your whole being. You are me.
My heart speaks to me of fear of disconnection from the source. I flee you, yet what I flee is myself and what you bring up for me. To look you in the eye is to look it in the eye, that which I flee. I do not ever want to say goodbye. I want to let you inside me a little more, melt into you deeper. I need to feel that our stream penetrates each of us and is always there like an electrical pulse, energy always flowing. I just want to hear your voice whispering in mine, always. I want to move beyond my tears, to sit with you looking into you. All that stays with me after removing the dust is that you touched my heart.
My heart speaks to me of wanting to look love in the eye from a distance to see it from outside myself. I would rather view you from afar, bringing you into our subtle field with my eyes. I would rather sit with the memory of you, in our moments of fearlessness. You seem untouchable to me yet it is I who make you so. I set you aside because of your beauty so that I can look at you better from a distance. Touching you might make you too real. It is as if, looking into you, I see my grief in a mirror but that I know your beauty lures you to me so you can show me my own beauty in you.
The Divine is this to me. I thank you for your presence within me to lead me to this place where I can see, feel, hear, taste and touch you in everyday existence with my heart, will and intellect. Without you and my desire for you, I wouldn’t be here now. Hatha yoga opens my heart up to this Divine expression like no other experience in my life. My heart is the point of contact I have chosen to express my inner world, and Hatha yoga moving energy in my mind-body is the practice I have chosen. I place my whole psyche into my body. Yoga needs to create a space within me so that the inner voices have a space to whisper. And my wandering chaotic mind commands a physiological jolt to pave its way to clarity. I choose physically challenging Ashtanga and Bhakti vinyasa flow yoga.
Yoga is the union of that which has become separated in the play of the universe with its own true self, origin and universality. The contact may take place at any point of the complex and intricately organized consciousness. It may be effected in the physical through the body; in the vital through the action of those functionings which determine the state and the experiences of our nervous being; through the mentality, whether by means of the emotional heart, the active will or the understanding mind, or more largely by a general conversion of the mental consciousness in all its activities. And according to the point of contact that we choose will be the type of the yoga that we practice. (Aurobindo, 1948, pp. 32-33)
I am never alone. I refer to “you” and I mean many people and the Divine and myself. It is all within my heart but our hearts are relational. I rest within myself knowing that although I move within the boundaries of different covering of layers[10], that it is all the same thing in a sense. When I'm divinely connected my heart is my entire mind-body... all of my blood as I inhale you and can feel you behind my eyes. You are part of my bloodstream as I can feel you flowing in me. This feeling is ineffable yet my heart best describes it. It makes me feel the most powerful feelings for the person to whom my writing may be directed at a given moment and these are precious moments.
I am all of this. I am “you” and you fill me. When the chaos is calmed through grounding, breathing into meaning instead of trying to figure it out, I am in touch with the cosmic symbol 8 where it all comes back around and permeates me. “Kevala kumbhaka[11] transfixed inspiration melts us” (Sovatsky, 2005). We are all connected, energy swirling between us.
References
Aurobindo, S. (1948) The Synthesis of Yoga: The Systems of Yoga (Chapter IV). pp. 31-52.
Capra, F. (1999). The Tao of Physics. Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications.
Coelho, P. (1988). The Alchemist. San Francisco, CA: HarperSanFrancisco Publishers.
Grof, S. (2000). Psychology of the Future. Albany, NY: State University of New York Press.
Grof, S. (1978). Self-Realization and Psychological Disturbances. Spiritual Emergency. pp.27-47.
Gurdjieff, G.I. (1978) Meetings with Remarkable Men: Gurdjieff’s Search for Hidden Knowledge (documentary).
Judith, A. (1987). Wheels of Life: A User’s Guide to the Chakra System. St. Paul, MN: Llewellyn Publications.
Krakauer, J. (1996) Into The Wild. New York, NY: First Anchor Books.
Louchakova, O. (2007). Ontopoiesis and Spiritual Emergence: Bridging Tymeiniecka’s Phenomenology of Life and Transpersonal Psychology. Phenomenology of Life – From the Animal Soul to the Human Mind (Analecta Husserliana, Vol.94, pp. 43-68). Dordrecht: Kluwer.
Louchakova, O. (2006). Spiritual Heart and Direct Knowing in the Prayer of the Heart. Existential Psychoanalysis, pp. 81-102.
Puhakka, K. (2000). Transpersonal Knowing (Chapter: An Invitation to Authentic Knowing, pp 11-29). Albany, NY: State University of New York Press.
Sannella, L. (1989). Spiritual Emergency (Chapter: Kundalini: Classical and Clinical). pp, 99-108.
Scotton, B. W., Chien, A. B., Battista, J. R. (1996). Textbook of Transpersonal Psychiatry and Psychology. New York, NY: Basic Books.
Sovatsky, S. (2005). Your Perfect Lips: A Spiritual-Erotic Memoir. New York, NY: iUniverse, Inc.
Walsh, R., Vaughan, F. (1993). Paths Beyond Ego: The Transpersonal Vision. New York, NY: Penguin Putnam, Inc.
Welwood, J. (2006). Perfect Love: Imperfect Relationships, Boston, MA: Trumpeter Books.
Welwood, J. (2000). Toward a Psychology of Awakening. Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications.
Footnotes[1] My daughter’s word puzzle book. The sacred in everyday life -- she read this out loud to me just as I needed to hear this message.
[2] Prana is Sanskrit for “breath”. In Vedanta philosophy, it is the notion of a vital, life-sustaining force of living beings and vital energy. It is believed to flow through a network of fine subtle channels called nadis. It is part of the worldly, physical realm, sustaining the body and the mother of thought and thus also of the mind.
[3] Kundalini energy in Hindu tradition is the name given to the powerful energy that is said to lie dormant at the base of the spine and may rise like a serpent to flow up the spine to the head, awakening energy centers on the way and ultimately leading to spiritual development. Experiences are accompanied by alterations in physiology and consciousness that are generally understood in terms of the Hindu chakra system. (Textbook of Transpersonal Psychiatriy and Psychology).
[4] Of all the icons in the room during class, I chose this reconstructed Shroud of Turin, Italy, which was first known about in Lirey, France in the year 1357. It spoke to me above all the icons with a realness. The shroud is believed to be the face cloth used on Jesus before his burial. The cloth left an impression of a face on it that was later photographed as a 3-dimentional photographic negative in the year 1898. The cloth has traces of Jeruselam and parts of the Middle East and has been studied ever since.
[5] I speak of my fire, water and air as a mixture of my Ayurveda constitution, astrological chart together with my natural cravings, tendencies and responses. My fire is passion that motivates me to desire, thinking on overdrive and need to move physically to meet an edge. My water is emotion, flowing feeling, and loving heart. My air is connection to faith and the subtle word. I am made of fire and water. I have to make my air as I constantly seek air to balance myself out . I do this by using my fire and my water to create the air. With Ayurveda, I use my naturally high Pitta constitution to let my fire play itself out, letting the fire boil the water turning it into mist which then becomes air and ether. I do this with intense Bhakti or Ashtanga yoga. Astrologically, my high water content mixes with some of my fire but needs more fire as I am always attracted to firey people and situations as if food. I need more of the fire to balance out my water, to create the necessary air so that I am connected to my spirit. I have an Ayurvedic Pitta-Vata constitution but the Vata is what I notice fluctuates the most with the lack of air or without heat as I get cold easily, which results in emotional imbalance. Activating the fire, retreating to fire, eating spicy food, going in a steamy room, wearing warm and furry clothing, practicing intense heated yoga, act as blankets to warm me, lowering the Vata level and side effects. My state of mind is affected so much by food, temperature and yogic energy movement or stillness.
[6] Samadhi is the high spiritual state of the experience of Ultimate Reality, that is shared by both “self”-centered traditions as Advaita Vedanta, and “no-self “-centered traditions as Buddhism. For transpersonal psychologists, the study of Samadhi is especially interesting because it leads to understanding the positive transformations that can happen in the areas of the brain connected with the unconscious. (Institute of Transpersonal Psychology website)
[7] Beshara School documentary.
[8] A green tree moving to a red heart bridged by a yellow arch to a person, moving to a yellow star, then moon, then yellow color darkening, darkening with grays, then blacks, then finally blackness and eyes wide-opened showing through the blackness in the end. It depicts the shared vision of the intense engagement of feelings and desire that could not play itself out between me and the other, as we were interspersed in poses and energy in an intense class. We were a growing, nurturing tree which exposed the heart where we bridged our open hearts to each other. We shone like a star, then grew in emotion to match the full moon, whose emotional intensity we were always drawn to. As the moon waned, the darkness came and then pervaded. Fear was in the darkness as I tried to look at it but it was too much. Scared of our future because our feelings were so strong but the situation was too complex. Followed by intense loneliness that I couldn’t let myself feel so I let the raw emotions attach themselves in the form of fear. I was not giving myself fully to the experience as I closed the second chakra and left it blocked. “Blockage of one chakra may cause one below or above to be affected” (Judith, 1987). This affected my charka one causing me to feel fear for my personal security and survival, convinced that someone was out to get me.
[9]Pratyahara: At this stage, the consciousness of the individual is internalized in order that the sensations from the senses of taste, touch, sight, hearing and smell do not reach their respective centers in the brain. It is also termed as the ‘withdrawal of the senses’. With this, the sadhaka, or disciple, is free to meditate without distractions. At the advanced levels, the electrical currents which pulsate through the nerves and even the involuntary muscles are turned off by the practitioners. This may be accomplished through pranayama or breath-control. Another device that is used is to concentrate on the point between the eyebrows – ajna chakra (the third eye).
[10] Our mind-body can be described on different levels. The senses. The emotions, feelings, energies. The talking mind. The subtle mental states. The unconscious, ego. Self-awareness. I can change the meaning of “you” and know that although it all comes from within my being, my feelings have multiple layers, speak from different layers within me and at the same time are the same mind-body. They are all one.
[11] Kevala kumbhaka is the spontaneous cessation of breath without any conscious effort.
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3) You Are the Space Between Reason [Holding a Space for Grief]
California Institute of Integral Studies | Robin Ellen Lucas
Yoga for Grief Relief, Antonio Sausys, December 7, 2014
I don’t know why you exist but you do. And you control me, my grief. In the night when I sleep, I can escape you. In yoga I twist you and stretch you out—but while I feel you alive, I cry and cringe. You are an enigma, yet I know why you are there. Let me find a way to get to you. I want you to be reasonable and allow me to be, to live my life, to be free. But with you, I find no reason to wake or smile. You control my heartbeat and my breath. You are my enemy. Why do you hurt me so? (Lucas, 2014)
Yoga for Grief Relief, a class for healers to learn more about the ways grief manifests and hides along with its cures, had a profound effect on me. Even though I thought I was only learning how to help others, I discovered my own grief that leads me to escape my pain at all costs by depressing my will to succeed, be happy, protect my family, and be healthy.
“Neurons that wire together fire together“ (Sausys, 2014, p. 21). I had an unconscious mission to teach my nervous system that it is safe to be itself in the world, so that the energy of the undischarged traumas release themselves and leave my body, thereby forming new emotional and behavioral patterns. Before this evolution, I was cognizant of an underlying unsafe feeling but was mostly in touch with my heart’s lack of receiving in love, and with my body’s fears felt in my yoga practice. During this process, my grief grabbed me inside and activated, which allowed a door to open, beginning the process.
At first, I had a tight clenching in my heart and throat. Grief speaks in physiological ways to alert me to my existence, threatening my physical self. It is scary. When this occurs, I don’t want to eat or speak, making it imperative that I take deep intentional breaths. The last thing I want to do is let go of any of the story that contains me (as it truly protects me in its moments). I want so much to be free of it though.
But, I say to my grief, “You are a gift to me. Your poison is my medicine so I embrace you. Tell me more because I’m listening now like never before. You got my attention with your clenches. I thought I was going to die. It was your only way to get my attention?” I am now transforming my relationship with pain, starting with my body. Since it is driven by my mind and heart, I go here first to heal myself. It speaks to me through my love for what my heart misses most, and I hear its whispers. This is about grief—not me—and the secret it keeps. I see its smile when it looks at me from its place inside me. I start here because it is more real to me than most things, in a world formed without speaking. I know that I am cherished by this part of me which holds me with controlling arms. I want to make a truce. I continue to dialog with my grief “I believe the secret of you is held in your conviction to trusting. So, I promise to trust. Do you believe me?”
The primary loss, defined as the loss of a loved one, object, or ideal that occurs first and causes a typical grief reaction (Sausys, 2014, p. 156) is what I explore now; it is the loss of love with a man who loves me but cannot be with me. This loss manifests itself as secondary losses, defined as losses that occur as a result of the primary loss having occurred (Sausys, 2014, p. 157); my secondary losses are the form of social isolation, inability to work to make money, inability to speak calmly and authentically about love with another (where I feel it too), anxiety and the feeling that I will grow old alone with a broken heart. I hide from the world because these secondary losses are easily judged by others who don’t understand. Recognizing the source of these feelings in grief for what I lost years ago, however, is helping me to reassess who I am.
My process of healing lies in the tasks of accepting, processing, adjusting and relocating. The clenching in my heart and throat is a wake-up call to accepting that this loss is real. I am processing the pain of the loss physically and emotionally. To truly take the trauma of grief into me, I practice daily morning Ashtanga yoga, Mysore-style, which is a self-led practice in a community setting with a teacher guiding each student along in his/her own sequence that builds upon itself each day; it is practiced six mornings per week, and is physically challenging to the body and mind while offering significant support to the heart and spirit.
Grieving is an important process to transforming trauma that results in grief, sadness and longing for the situation--whatever it is--to be rectified. When the need arises, I sit alone and cry. I also talk to the object of my grief, and also look for blessings that are shining above the darkness as the explanation for a peaceful path to come. In doing so, I refocus my dedications and intentions in my meditations to an overall oneness with love.
Accepting this loss requires self-acceptance in myself as a woman, mother and spiritual being who is competent to be herself in the world with or without him. I ask his permission for me to love him anyway, to hold that space and allow me to keep him in my heart. To reframe him and embark on a new life, I need to let go of the dream, and keep what I have of him in a positive way, continuing to find him in a different way in life through his way of loving still.
Physical activities that help with my overwhelming states are that which affect my nervous system. Yoga for Grief Relief illuminated various yoga and breathing exercises for me, named the Grief Sadhana:
Breath Awareness (Mahat Yoga Pranayama) opened my eyes to the power of the way I breathe. Breathing only through the lungs and mid-belly is normal. True anxiety-relieving breathing is up and wide into the rib cage and heart.
Eye Gazing (Tratak) was a sensory view into world of focus that I found most interesting, and can be a great metaphor for gaging how I live my life. The entire situation is different depending whether I am in a trans focused on the distance vs. self-controlling myself to see right in front of me. It stimulates the optic nerves and the Pineal Gland, resulting in increased levels of melatonin to regulate biorhythms and the sleep/wake cycle.
Alternate Nostril Breathing (Nadi Shodhana Pranayama) activates the release in the left nostril and energy is activated in right nostril. The left is the moon and the right is the sun. I can breathe as I need to, clearing prana blockages and balancing the flow. This breathing purifies the blood of toxins, while introducing tranquility, clarity of thought and concentration.
Wind Mill (Vayu Chakrasana) was so intense due to the velocity of the arm movements that it made me realize how much physical exertion is needed to release the demons, emotions, tensions, or any words to describe the blockages. I took this intensity, speed and breathing into my own daily yoga practice to a new level as a way to keep the grief relief moving through me.
Resolve (Sankalpa) intention forming was an important part of my internal process. I do this often, but when done publicly with the class—with the teacher leading and calling me out on my thoughts—that helped me to come clean on the actual source of my sadness, but also what would be most helpful to strive for going forward.
In order to transform grief into a new identity, I must do some work. But in order to transform, I must take things at my own pace, meeting myself and my own grief where I am at. If I want to cry, grieve, sleep, take a bath and be alone, I must do it. If I want to go to yoga every morning, I must do it. No one else can expect me to be pressured to heal. Timing and self-tolerance are important.
“I trust that I can be loved”—my sankalpa—has stayed with me and transforms daily as I feel the truth of it inside me. I am asking for what I need and want, and trusting in the dream coming true. My attachment to him comes from the positive experience of love but grieving is ongoing because I have transformed what he is now to a new state of being. Practicing “detached attachment”, the act of developing future attachments (inherently human), yet keeping a fierce awareness that what or who you are attached to will inevitably disappear, will allow me to form other healthy temporary attachments to work this through. This method involves dropping the anxiety over the constant sense of presence the grieving upholds. I wish to release all of the emotional pain to the spirit world, and truly feel the freedom in letting it go, while keeping the inherent gifts with me as they are my greatest teachers.
Encapsulating every inch, touching.
I imagine how your hands clasp mine.
We are a bravery that led to senses,
of understanding whispers, or of character in windows of time,
of future times, slowly with deep eyes.
Like beautiful surrender wrapped up, frozen…
Follow me to my heart that risks. Vulnerable, slow down, slower.
Testing the dream, flames shift.
Where your hands are a metaphor for your heart waiting for strength and a voice,
waiting to begin and not end.
To feel safe and live inside me to tell me your beautiful words. (Lucas, 2014)
“Yoga is neuroplasticity in action” (Sausys, 2014). In yoga practices and meditations, with my deep loss felt on the surface, I can rewire the energetic impulses from pain to healing. It will take much commitment to be disciplined, to focus, to relax and to listen to what arises. Sometimes the answers have words, sometimes physical releases and sometimes spiritual knowing. On a physiological level, yoga—together with massage, good sleep habits, good nutrition—promotes changes in muscles, joints and organs. Yoga alters the vital functions of the body. On a psychological level, yoga helps access self-knowledge (as what we hold inside of us arises when blockages are removed, held in the physical and subtle body), enabling me to change what I consider dysfunctional. On a spiritual level, yoga fuels psychic transformation to becoming acquainted with my true essence.
Yoga therapy, unlike western medicine, recognizes that the individual is already essentially goodness and the healing therefore comes from within that. I believe the mind-body-heart has the ability to heal itself. I just have to know this, and find the way to tap into those healing energies, that once working will show me their magic.
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy” (W. H. Murray, 1951).
References
Lucas, R. (2014). My Secret Innuendo. http://www.mysecretinnuendo.com. Mill Valley, CA.
Sausys, A. (2014). Yoga for Grief Relief. New Harbinger Publications: Oakland, CA.
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4) Balance Me [Anatomical Systems and Subtle Body as Experienced Through Ashtanga Yoga]
California Institute of Integral Studies | Robin Ellen Lucas
Healing the Total Body: Where Western Anatomy Meets Eastern Spiritual Science (Independent Study), Janis Phelps, May 20, 2015
Abstract
This article addresses a solution to the mind-body duality as it pertains to health and healing. Western anatomy, one of the basic essential sciences of medicine, is the progressive understanding of the functions of the organs and structures of the human body. Eastern science such as Yoga, Ayurveda and Traditional Chinese Medicine mix alternative medicinal approaches, as the spirit and subtle essence of the body are concerned. This article captures an active study of the physical and subtle body through my own personal, in-depth Mysore Ashtanga yoga practice, practiced six days per week for two to three hours each morning with my Ashtanga teachers and community. As the yoga practice evolved in a continual state of growth to more challenging yoga poses—each leading to the next, each muscle, bone, ligament, organ and nerve were touched when feeling pain and sensations, as well as highly activated nervous, emotional and spiritual states. Each theme is presented in the order in which it was identified in my own body, through evolutions and healing together with academic study going through the ten weekly anatomical and subtle body systems. The anatomical systems covered are: Skeletal, Muscular, Integumentary, Endocrine, Respiratory, Lymphatic, Immune Nervous, Digestive, Urinary and Cardiovascular. This study went on to touch upon fears, love, lifestyle, chakras, letting go, vitality, emotional and spiritual ego, aging, meditation, creativity, attention, sleep, nutrition, metabolism and blood.
In a time when it burns out inside
so that no longer it lives and breeds
but instead a twinge, jubilation
in anatomy and subtle channels
vital just for a time before evaporating
essence no more. (Lucas, 2014)
There is a mind-body duality in most of the health and healing world, where the body and the mind are split in terms of introspection, diagnosis and treatment. I have captured my own solution to this split in a ten-week study which acted as a cohesion between the two thought processes—adding spirituality—and established a foundational connection in healing modalities.
The mind has been studied in western psychology, starting with Sigmund Freud who discovered that our unconscious is alive in our minds as we sleep and that psychoanalysis, through discussing its mental interpretations, was the way to health. (Stone, 1971) Some psychological scholars have gone on to address this mind-body split by introducing spirituality. Carl G. Jung, befriended and originally taught by Sigmund Freud, was one who bridged the spirit with the mind, claiming the spiritual aspect of the psyche, and even broke off his alliance with his beloved friend and teacher due to this fervent belief. (Stone, 1971) Pattabhi Jois, master of Ashtanga yoga, brought us the somatic means to purify the physical body, the nervous system and the sense organs, finally resulting in mind control.
Yoga Sutras by Patanjali were written to explain the process and systematic analysis of awakening. The first yoga sutra, Citta vrtti nirodha, tells us that the mind is composed of thought modifications and activity. We seek complete cessation of the mind through yoga. This means burning the Samskaras, which are impressions embedded in the subconscious mind that cloud the truth of who we are. Transforming in this way is the intense evolution of the spirit. Through the pains in my body and soul as experienced through my daily Ashtanga yoga practice, I have grown to feel euphoria as the energies become identified. The pleasure in this suffering moves on its path to emotional healing. The final yoga sutra is the definition of freedom. Immersed in kaivalya, the constant burning light of the soul, the yogi illuminates the divinity not only in herself/himself but also in those who come in contact with her/him. I have studied the cohesion of healing the total body from the West to the East as the key to this complex path.
Ashtanga yoga is an ancient system imparted through lineages from the source text in the Yoga Korunta. This text was imparted to Sri T. Krishnamacharya in the early 1900’s, and was later passed down to Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, beginning in 1927, who brought it to the west from Mysore, India. It is composed of Vinyasas, one steady and even inhale and exhale breath for each movement from Asana (i.e., yoga position) to Asana, and its purpose is internal cleansing. The body heats up and through sweat, purification occurs. The Dristhi—the gaze—becomes the focus. The Bandhas, internal locks in lower abdomen and perineum seal in energy, and give strength and health to the body. After the body is purified, the Nervous System and sense organs are. This requires many years of practice and is performed Mysore-style, through a self-led sequence taught by a teacher at the students’ own pace and level, all in a community setting. It is practiced six mornings per week with breaks during the full and new moons. (Jois, 2015)
Made mostly of water, we humans have energetic experiences when the moon is pulling toward the Earth or away. We feel this greatly in yoga practice. The full moon energy corresponds to the end of inhalation when the force of Prana is greatest, energetic and emotional but not well grounded. The Upanishads (900-600 BC) state that the main Prana lives in the head. During the full moon we tend to be more headstrong. The new moon energy corresponds to the end of exhalation when the force of Apana is greatest, calm and grounded but dense and disinclined towards physical exertion. Practicing Ashtanga yoga over time makes us more attuned to natural cycles. Observing moon days is one way to recognize and honor the rhythms of nature so we can live in greater harmony. (Miller, 2015)
Western anatomy, one of the basic essential sciences of medicine, is the progressive understanding of the functions of the organs and structures of the human body. I will present the anatomical systems in the order in which they became of importance to me in learning Ashtanga yoga Mysore-style. Eastern sciences of Ayurveda, Chakras and Traditional Chinese Medicine provide alternative approaches as the spirit and subtle body are concerned and gel with Ashtanga yoga philosophy. In Western philosophy, the doctor is a mechanic. In Eastern philosophy, the doctor is a gardener.
Fears and the Skeletal System
Courage is daring. I cover my fears with anger in my pursuit at competence in the world, but also in yoga. My first yoga fear was walking into the Mysore room on Day One. For many years, I did not think that I was good enough. In other words, I thought that my yoga poses and my mind lacked skills. To me, it was all about body positioning. This begins with the Skeletal System and supportive bones, and my thoughts on the psychological and spiritual ego. With this worried focus, however, I would not be inclined to breathe properly or go to a deeper, more spiritual realm that Ashtanga yoga begs to offer.
The human body contains 206 bones organized into the Skeletal System. Bones support the body, protect its organs, store lipids and calcium, and serve as sites of blood cell formation. Joints are the places where two or more bones come together. (Alcamo, Krumhardt, 2004, p. 109)
I have unique knowledge about my own skeletal alignment in my yoga poses, including where I am out of balance and how I compensate. Agreeing with Long (2006), I am quite attuned to how I "use muscular force to bring the bones into a position where they carry the load. Once these positions are attained, muscular force is no longer necessary (or greatly decreased)” (p. 12).
When I began Mysore-style yoga, an intense pose in the Ashtanga Primary Series called Supta Kurmasana highlighted a minor scoliosis in my lumbar spine, which as defined by Long (2006) is “a lateral deviation and rotational deformity of the spine” (p. 20); this gave me a new area to protect as repetition inflamed it. In Ashtanga yoga, you practice your same sequence each day, adding on to it as the teacher deems suitable. Immediately, I protected my psychological ego, groundless on explanation, because this pain was stopping me from progressing through the sequence; I needed to provide an explanation for my failures. Ashtanga Mysore-style of yoga can bring up many of the mind and spirit’s impassable issues with its repetition and ritual. I was running into one of them.
It would be eight months later, as I went deeper into the latter half of the Ashtanga Second Series in a pose called Tittibhasana that I realized corrective skeletal changes occurring in my lumbar spine. Miraculously, one day I felt taller, pain free, and my spine was more erect throughout the day. I adjusted my driver’s seat in my car as its regular setting was now putting pressure on my neck, connected to the back. Anatomically, the cervical spine (i.e., neck) is connected to the thoracic (i.e., rib cage range) and lumbar (i.e., lower back) vertebrae; it is all one spine! I no longer needed to perform my daily self-chiropractic cervical neck adjustments. I was cured with my yoga practice. In my euphoria, I knew that I would need to keep moving in that direction daily as the Skeletal System has a memory similar to teeth requiring a nightly retainer after orthodontic braces. “Change leads to disappointment if it is not sustained. Transformation is sustained change, and it is achieved through practice” (B.K.S. Iyengar, 2001).
It was because I let go of the fear held in that imbalanced area of the lumbar and trusted the process that the deepest healing occurred and begged for more extension, movement and access. It was speaking to me. In the subtle body, its voice was freed when the blockage was removed as my spine elongated and the transformation occurred. I listened to its voice only after I let go of my psychological ego, which allowed my surrender—physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.
As we age, the spine degenerates. The neck and back muscles should remain strengthened and supported. Intervertebral discs separate each skeletal vertebrae with soft and flexible absorbance. Excessive strain can cause a herniation; and, with age the amount of water in our bodies decreases, as well as the gel-like substance in these discs thereby flattening the discs and shortening the spine. Disc dehydration is a direct result of the dramatic decrease in circulating proteoglycan molecules that hold water in the discs—causes are nutritionally-based. Since the discs are avascular (i.e., no blood supply), they get nutrients from the adjacent blood capillary beds—nutrients diffuse through to the disc. If the blood vessels are damaged or there is a blockage, the nutrient supply gets cut off, resulting in disc dehydration. (Alcamo, Krumhardt, 2004)
Yoga teaches us good lifelong habits of keeping the spine as elongated as possible, repeatedly, and to put less pressure on discs. Strengthening the supporting neck, shoulder and back muscles helps. Especially during a Headstand, it is important to set up the base of the shoulders and upper back to support the body so that all pressure does not go to the neck, and also to continue to elongate the spine by extending the legs upward. In doing so, the benefits of Headstand can be enjoyed, balancing the physical and subtle body by reversing the pull of gravity on the organs, reversing the blood flow to stimulate Nervous System, rejuvenating the lower body as de-oxygenated blood flows more easily to extremities, stimulating the Lymphatic System which removes toxins, improving cognitive abilities. Too little pressure will also dehydrate the discs. Use the spine.
Love touches emotional patterns to reframe in Yoga
My heart is the biggest part of my yoga practice and my life. Burning out Samskaras has helped me to be in balance with my emotional heart and reframe my love for myself and others. By moving the secrets I hide in body parts, voices arise through my subtle body. When it gets too difficult, I close up even though I know that to feel the wounds is to release them. Carl G. Jung describes that the
Dark night of the Soul sounds like a threatening and much to be avoided experience. There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own soul. One becomes enlightened by making the darkness conscious. (Jung, 2009)
And so, I continue.
Just as emotional patterns turn to physical pain and then heal, I am harnessing this heart pain. To sit dormant with the anger is only “acting out”. It arises mostly in backbends. In a public yoga class I keep my composure and work through it, only to cry later; sometimes I stay in the corner of the room and am emotionally and physically weak; sometimes I leave to go to a private room to process during the class. This all happens spontaneously because I fearlessly move the body parts that protect my secret, and my breathing circulates it all. Toxins are included with spiritual truths, and they all voice themselves inside me until I break apart. The voice in this spiritual place is truth.
When I really feel my emotional heart, my Nervous System relaxes, my subtle body energetically softens and the door to bring love to me opens. In my “escape,”—fantasy, snide humor, psychological analysis, listening to loud music, planning a vacation, focus on the opposite of duty, trying to talk “him” against his will into my stance—I am in denial.
The secret blessings arise after human nature halts the process, but then gets through it to the other side. I feel very powerful that my strength ensues, allowing me to get the unbelievable chance to invite this type of daily practice and energy healing into my life, the key to its depth and benefit being consistency. This practice is beyond working hard, resting well and feeling great; it forces me to look at my whole Self, not just physical abilities. The main pressure is that which I put on myself.
As eloquently put in the Bhagavad Gita, yoga "compares a thought to a seed: [it is] very tiny, but can grow into a huge, deep-rooted, wide-spreading tree. A seed in a crack in pavement tore up the sidewalk, [and it’s] difficult to remove such a tree [and] to undo the effects of a lifetime of negative thinking… but it can be done.” My yoga practice has been showing me how, and it is not because I am focusing on the seed. It’s unconscious.
Ego—psychological and spiritual
The psychological Ego needs to perform and be judged. Ashtanga yoga mirrors back everything that I do not want to see. I feel negativity from onlookers, my teacher or myself when not performing optimally if I am coming from the psychological ego; and from there, my body will clench up or get injured. With continual practice, the ego melts and in letting go, the energy holding the body parts relaxes, sometimes because of the existence of apathy.
From the teachings of Advaita Vedanta, Carol Whitfield (2009) describes that the spiritual Ego carries the misinterpreted reflections of the mind when it is not clear and peaceful. Imagine three buckets of water—one muddy, one stirred up, one still and clear—with the sun shining in all three buckets equally. Reflection in the first is dim and dull, in the second is agitated, and in the third is peaceful. Sun = Self, water = mind, reflection = ego. My true Self is a constant that is independent of how my mind is acting. If I reflect muddy water, I feel depression; if I reflect agitation, I feel I am breaking apart; if I reflect stillness, I feel at peaceful oneness with myself. Three basic parts of the spirituality are the subtle components, Sattva, Raja and Tama. Feeling Sattva (i.e., purity of the mind) calms the Rajas (i.e., activity, motion, irritation in mind) and Tamas (i.e., inert dullness in the mind). Traditional Chinese Medicine Yin and Yang are similarly an interplay between opposites that seek balance and peace.
Muscle tissue structure of the Muscular System
My Muscular System—in particular, the skeletal muscles—works to its capacity in my yoga practice. Pain and fatigue are indications that I am building the voluntary muscles—the ones which contract when stimulated by neurons when I consciously use them to move my leg, arm, etc. and relax by being passive. I am also working my involuntary muscles—smooth and cardiac muscles within the walls of the intestines, blood vessels and heart.
Repeating a new yoga pose daily, works skeletal muscles, which can result in minor pain and tightening. Monthly deep tissue massages by a CMT stabilize muscle tissue structure—muscle cells separated and wrapped in layers of connective tissue, enclosed in fascia, connected to the bones with tendons. Muscles contract when used and relax, unless stressed and thereby creating a knot and touching nerves that trigger unnecessary compensations with other muscles.
The fascial planes are a lattice-like matrix of thin connective tissue that cover the organs and muscles. Sensory nerves are found throughout and are stimulated by stretching the fascia in yoga postures. This nerve stimulation can evoke emotional and energetic releases during the practice of yoga. (Long, 2006, p. 211)
Since our muscles work together in a combined effort, when they become tethered together by bound-up fascia or scar tissue from surgery, injuries, inflammation or repetitive movements, this results in lowered flexibility, stability and ability to withstand stress.
Muscles, lactic acid and fatigue
Healthy muscles (i.e, red muscles) have a reserve oxygen supply, permitting them to contract and relax repeatedly while maintaining cellular respiration to resist muscle fatigue. The myosin protein in muscles causes contraction and relaxation, which breaks down ATP molecules (i.e., adenosine triphosphate). ATP provides energy for our muscles. When ATP is used up too quickly without the oxygen to support it, muscles (i.e., white muscles) become quickly fatigued with the build-up of lactic acid—an indication that muscle cell oxygen has been depleted. (Alcamo, Krumhardt, 2004, pp. 153-155)
Lactic acid build-up causes pH changes, forcing muscle fibers to respond poorly to stimulation. This not only causes discomfort but also routes to the liver to break it down—too much causes the Digestive System to overwork. Breathing even and full increases oxygen, and helps to stop the production of lactic acid. Other remedies to flush out or reduce lactic acid to reduce inflammation include drinking water, epsom salt baths—magnesium absorbs directly through the skin, essential fatty acids (found in fish, nuts, flaxseed, plant oils), vitamin B intake, potassium. Ibuprofen decreases inflammation but is hard on the liver; if taken before working muscles, less lactic acid is produced.
With new muscles building (triceps and biceps in arms; trapezius, subscapularis, pectoralis and deltoid around shoulders; oblique, latissimus dorsi, abdominal around back and stomach; extensors in wrists; adductor, sartorius around knee/inner thigh), I continue, paying close attention to breathing to get my muscles as much oxygen as possible.
Vitality through heat and breath
With the bones aligned, the muscles supporting, I need the energy to sustain me and my vitality, both in yoga and life. Pattabhi Jois says that the heat (a.k.a., Tapas) will burn out all impurities, patterns of conditioned behavior, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Long even breathing is necessary to get the internal fire stoked starting in the lower abdomen, moving up the channel of the Sushumna, “the central nadi (subtle channel) running up the region of the spine” (Frawley, Ranade, Lele, 2003, p. 43) to the rib cage and then to the top of the head. Adding to this is internal attention to the Bandhas to seal in subtle energy, tone muscles and ultimately calm the Nervous System. Mula Bandha is an internal muscle engagement around the perineum and Uddiyana Bandha at the lower abdomen.
The mere sound of the breath performs magic, especially bringing on the Sattvic state, witnessing the psychological story of the mind change, as dormant energies in the body rise and takes its place—some dark, some light.
Regulating body temperature and the Integumentary System
Starting with heat, sweat can be one physiological reaction to the body’s heated state. Sweat is part of the Integumentary System, composed of the skin, hair, nails and other related glands. Our skin is our biggest organ and is a self-repairing, protective boundary between the body and the external environment. The epidermis is the thin outer layer. The dermis is the second layer, which contains blood vessels, sensory receptors, fat cells and sweat glands—eccrine and apocrine. Eccrine sweat glands produce watery sweat that is important for maintaining temperature regulation and for excreting small amounts of sodium chloride from the body. Apocrine sweat glands produce the cloudy, white substance in which bacteria grow. (Alcamo, Krumhardt, 2004, pp. 93-100)
In Mysore Ashtanga yoga, it is common respect to shower each morning before practice. In the Ashtanga eight-limbed path, this is the first Niyama, personal observance of well-being that brings our attention to the intimacy of our relationship with ourselves. Saucha is cultivating purity of body and mind, standing for inner and outer cleanliness. (Stephens, 2010, p. 9) Some yoga lineages force heat in the room and require lots of water drinking beforehand and during practice to induce sweat during class to clear out toxins through the skin. Ashtanga yoga is practiced in a warmed room, but drinking water is frowned upon. The idea is that your own body heat should be an internal self-gauge of your physical asana and vinyasa intensity. Drinking water is meant for the evening before and following practice to keep the body flushed, and aids in internal cleanliness. A healthy Ashtangi will sweat during his/her yoga practice, mainly activating the eccrine sweat glands for temperature control.
Electrolytes, the body’s balance of fluids and pH, are selectively eliminated in order to remain in balance but when depletion occurs, the effects are felt immediately in the form of a head rush, a brief fall in blood pressure. This can occur from dehydration or diuretics such as coffee. There is a spiritual component to the light-headedness though. It makes it easier to see the spirit. However, it is important to stay adequately hydrated throughout the day to combat too much inadequacy.
Balance through Ayurveda for energy and sustenance
Food is important for balance. Protein is grounding sustenance and combats imbalance and emotional triggers to my Ayurvedic Vata constitution. Of the three Ayurvedic doshas—Pitta, Vata, Kapha—I am primarily Vata and Pitta. Vata is the one which is most challenging for me to balance out, as imbalance causes nervousness and fragility. Foods cooked or tossed in coconut oil, olive oil, butter, ground and warm me. Chocolate is warming yet the sugar can backfire as it creates bloating, making yoga physically harder to perform which affects my psychological ego and next triggers emotional heart imbalance again—a vicious cycle. Coconut water is a natural electrolyte that is good to replenish the body.
Eastern herbs, such as turmeric, support me. One cup of turmeric tea mixed with ginger provide a natural energetic boost. Turmeric is a natural anti-inflammatory, anti-oxidant, anti-depressant and improves brain and heart function; it is even known as a means of cancer prevention. (Frawley, Ranade & Lele, 2003) Toxins are released through the bloodstream to the Digestive System but also secreted through the skin, and this can cause overall body itchiness.
Continuing to let the breath flow during a yoga practice keeps the physical and subtle body alive, flowing and working its magic. Judith (1987) points out that “diseases tend to show up first in the etheric body, before they manifest in the tissues. Likewise, healing can be brought about by techniques that primarily treat the subtle body” (p. 231).
Hormones and the Endocrine System
The Endocrine System consists of several glands that secrete hormones into the blood to promote the body’s homeostasis and balance. Hormones stimulate growth and development, promote water retention, raise or lower blood glucose, promote sodium retention. The endocrine glands affected by my yoga practice touch on stress, metabolism, energy, bodily fluids, happiness and strength. Alcamo & Krumhardt (2004, pp. 261-274) depict the glands as follows:
· Pituitary Gland – on base of the brain, it is the master gland that controls the release of hormones from other glands. Vital to our wellbeing, it connects to the Hypothalamus, bridging the Nervous System to the Endocrine System.
· Thyroid Gland - in the neck, it regulates metabolism (i.e., the body’s use of nutrients), oxygen and heat in cells and blood vessels. When out of balance, iodine (i.e., an essential trace mineral) is low in the diet, and also causes metabolic rate to slow down—causing weight gain, fatigue, weakened immune system anxiety and depression. It increases calcium deposits into the bones. Iodine rich foods include sea vegetables, cranberries, yogurt, beans, strawberries, potatoes and cheese.
· Pancreas - lies beneath the stomach in the abdomen and handles digestive functions. It produces insulin, a hormone needed to regulate the amount of sugar in blood. During digestion, glucose moves in the bloodstream and the pancreas releases insulin, giving off energy. If blood glucose level is low, the pancreas triggers stored glucose release from the kidneys into the urine, expelling more water, resulting in excessive thirst. Hypoglycemia occurs when blood sugar gets too low.
· Adrenal Gland - lies on kidneys. Complements the sympathetic Nervous System “fight or flight” response, regulates mineral balance and energy balance. Electrolytes, metabolism and sex hormones are regulated.
· Pineal Gland - secretes melatonin, needed for regulating day and night time.
My favorite yoga pose for the Endocrine System is Headstand. It stimulates and provides refreshed blood to the pituitary gland via the Hypothalamus gland. Headstands dissolve stress, sadness, depression and lethargy. All that you need is distributed throughout your body in the way nature intended via the Endocrine System.
The Chakra System consists of energy centers for reception and transmission of life energies in the subtle body. There are seven chakras, each of which represents an element, energy state, psychological function and endocrine gland. Balancing chakra energies leads to healthy hormones too.
Yoga for stress and staying in balance
Stress occurs when the body and its systems are out of balance. It can be defined as the Nervous System recruiting the body’s energy stores to overcome imbalance with hormones. According to the Endocrine Society, yoga helps reduce the levels of blood Cortisol, the stress hormone, and modifies hormone levels in healthy people or those with endocrine disorders. It was proven to show significant results with yoga seven consecutive days. Ultimately, further research is needed to elucidate the effects of yoga on endocrine physiology and stress response in humans. (Endocrine Society, 2015)
The subtle body has its own way of disrupting the field—one being the loss of the spirit connection. The anatomical systems have messages to voice through the pain and discomfort. These are important messages about letting go of that which does not serve and by listening, this serves to heal by bringing the subtle body into balance. Mysore yoga is like a secret people do not know about. Knowing it finds the magic of my body’s intelligence, integrates its teaching and balance. “Do your practice and all is coming" (Pattabhi Jois, 1975).
Breath and meditation through the subtle body
If you saw through my eyes and heart
To who you are to me
Maybe it would be different for you now
In your mind that wanders. (Lucas, 2015)
Breathing brings me to my core self. It is the way to stay present with my body and with my own intimate experience. Yoga breathing in particular prepares my body, mind and spirit for a deep meditative state. Breathing—smooth, even inhales and exhales through the nose, letting the breath move up and down through the back of the throat (a.k.a., Ujjayi breath)—is a necessary and inherent part of my Ashtanga yoga practice. Being in the Mysore-style Ashtanga yoga room, the breath of the group is louder than the music and there is no teacher voice leading. The breathing becomes the heartbeat or metronome.
My goal is to be at peace and grounded all day in life, not just in yoga. It is to train me to be calm in any of life's situations. It is easy to breathe during yoga. Often times during the day I will check in with my breathing, especially if I am agitated, and realize I am not truly exhaling fully—only sharp inhales and small exhales, enough to stay alive. Once I am cognizant of this, I return to my full, grounding exhales.
The Chakra System’s seven subtle body energy centers can easily be accessed in Ashtanga yoga, as the Prana travels up the Sushumna. If I am paying attention to the subtle body, I am transfixed and in a deep meditative state; however, the chakras each hold specific emotions and inclinations, which makes getting in touch with one out of balance not always a calming or enjoyable experience; however, balance is the best end result. I wrote a poem to each of my chakras to invite the interaction.
1) Root Chakra (Muladhara Chakra) is about basic needs, security and survival. If it’s too dominant, I am self-centered; if it’s blocked, I displace anger and fear. In the subtle body, it resides in hips, legs, lower back, sex organs (male).
Dear first chakra, I don’t know you or how you do it, but when I‘m not looking you trap me and hold me down. Your arms are heaviness encapsulating me. But, when I feel you grounding me, each of my toes touch the floor at the same time and know their purpose. (Lucas, 2014)
2) Sacral Chakra (Svadhishthana Chakra) is about creativity and self-worth. If it’s too dominant, I revolve around satisfying desires; if it’s blocked, my passions hide. In the subtle body, it resides in lower back, sacrum, sex organs (female), kidneys, bladder, large intestine.
Dear second chakra, I want you to understand something. It isn’t me, it’s you. I need you. I don’t want you to leave ever. I want to eat you up. I need to keep you close. (Lucas, 2014)
3) Solar Plexus Chakra (Manipura Chakra) is about making things happen. If it’s too dominant, I always moving, not fulfilled; if it’s blocked, I have low self-esteem and feel others control me. In the subtle body, it resides in stomach, liver, gallbladder, pancreas, small intestine.
Dear third chakra, I have a hard time waiting as if impatience is my path to you. Run to me as I run to you. Please. I’ll meet you there. Hurry. I’m waiting. (Lucas, 2014)
4) Heart Chakra (Anahata Chakra) is about love and connecting to my heart. If it’s too dominant, I’m emotional, cry frequently and alone; if it’s blocked, I’m apathetic about love but sense something missing, paranoid about love. In the subtle body, it resides in heart, lungs, circulatory system, shoulders and upper back.
Dear fourth chakra, with you I believe how precious the teardrop is. You feel me then. How could you not? I am full. I have been carrying the holes of you. I love you. (Lucas, 2014)
5) Throat Chakra (Vishuddha Chakra) is about communication and my inner voice. If it’s too dominant, I’m too talkative, not speaking truth; if it’s blocked, I will feel silenced, a need to hide and be timid. In the subtle body, it resides in throat, neck, teeth, ears and thyroid gland.
Dear fifth chakra, do you know what I wish to say to you? How did you hear through my silent fog? It’s ok, I know how. (Lucas, 2014)
6) Third Eye Chakra (Ajna Chakra) is about intuition. If it’s too dominant, intuitions are my only path, not practical or realities; if blocked, I’ll be unperceptive, feel non-assertive and be afraid of success. In the subtle body, it resides in eyes, face, brain, lymphatic system and endocrine system.
Dear sixth chakra, I know before you know. It’s a feeling. It’s knowledge. It’s truth. I would bet anything on it. Circle back and find me. (Lucas, 2014)
7) Crown Chakra (Sahasrara Chakra) is my spiritual peak. If it’s too dominant, I’ll prefer to float on a cloud of euphoria; if blocked, I’ll be out of touch with spirit and frustrated. In the subtle body, it resides in soul, spirit.
Dear seventh chakra, you are like the candle flame that always burns, the one I cannot tell is you or me or we. (Lucas, 2014)
The act of breathing from the standpoint of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), where lungs govern Qi and respiration and in particular are in charge of inhaling air, is described through answers in the subtle body as it
echoes the logic of quantum physics, which suggests that we exist in a relative, process-oriented universe in which there is no objective world separable from living subjects. The essential questions cannot be resolved by measuring static things; rather, answers become stories about interactions and relationships. (Beinfield & Korngold, 1991, p. 4)
From the air, the lungs inhale “pure Qi" for the body when it combines with food-Qi coming from the Spleen (Lymphatic System). The lungs exhale “dirty Qi”. The constant exchange and renewal ensures proper functioning for the physiological processes. (Maciocia, 1989, p. 83)
Inhaling, exhaling and the Respiratory System
If you only knew what a hole your absence leaves
Maybe you would come back to me. (Lucas, 2015)
The breath is part of the Respiratory System. We breathe to stay alive, inhaling oxygen into our lungs and blood, releasing energy from our cells for us to use. We exhale carbon dioxide, a waste product and toxic if accumulated. The pulmonary artery brings oxygen-poor blood and carbon dioxide-rich blood to the Alveoli, microscopic branching airways to the lungs. The Lungs nourish the blood. Blood leaving the lungs is low in carbon dioxide and rich in oxygen. (Beinfield & Korngold, 1991, pp. 14-15)
Air enters the nasal cavities through the nose or mouth to the Pharynx in the throat. The lungs occupy most of the thoracic cavity, which contain the Alveoli, respiratory membranes. Respiratory muscles—diaphragm muscle and intercostal muscle—give the lungs power. The brain’s Respiratory Control Center controls breathing. (Alcamo & Krumhardt, 2004, pp. 355-367)
Hiking up a hill exerts the breathing in a different way than yoga breathing, as more oxygen is needed for the muscles and Respiratory System, so breathing through the mouth is necessary as opposed to the nose. What happens to the Respiratory System when we are working beyond our capacity, or when we are practicing Pranayama breathing voluntarily holding our breath or under water, is involuntary respiratory control; but, we have the capacity for voluntary control too. As the levels of carbon dioxide and hydrogen ions increase in bodily fluids, impulses from the respiratory center overcome the voluntary inhibition of breathing, forcing us to take a breath. Deep and rapid breathing is hyperventilation. If out of control, fear induces panic. Breathing is essential for our life.
Why do we get thirsty when exercising and out of breath? Muscle-building pulls water from the muscles and into the blood like a pump to maintain circulation. Staying hydrated is necessary for replenishment. It is part of the Muscular System.
Our drainage, immunity and the Lymphatic System
If I am off balance, I feel the effects of my Lymphatic System the most; my lymph nodes swell up and are painful. The Lymphatic System is the body’s drainage, composed of lymph nodes and ducts that transport watery fluid called lymph. Its purpose is to protect against infection and disease as it operates as part of the Immune System. Very seldom do I get sick and I give my yoga and lifestyle credit. Drinking warm water and lemon first thing in morning balances pH, detoxifies and hydrates the Lymphatic System as it helps rid the system of toxins. It's my balance.
Working together with the Cardiovascular System, the Lymphatic System delivers nutrients to cells and removes metabolic waste. A one-way system, it brings lymphatic fluid from the tissues and brings it to circulation in the blood for use. The Immune System is closely related, specifically responsible for the body’s response to foreign microorganisms and molecules, operating through cells of the Lymphatic System.
Why do lymph nodes swell when my body’s homeostasis is out of balance? The Lymphatic System, a filtration mechanism, is meant to drain toxins from the tissues through thin-walled tubes called lymphatic vessels which are distributed throughout the body, numerous in the skin. Lymphatic fluid traveling through the vessels passes through lymph nodes before entering the blood, and when it cannot do its job—when the fluid is not pumped sufficiently or the blood concentration of proteins and microorganisms (i.e., fats digesting in the Digestive System) is too high—the nodes become inflamed and blocked. This accumulation is called edema as proteins draw water out to contribute to swelling. Keep the fluids moving. The lymph nodes and vessels are close to the surface of the skin. Accordingly, sweating helps to cleanse the system. Contrast showers which alternate hot and cold water improve circulation and lymph drainage as does dry body brushing. Lymph nodes reside in the neck, groin, bend of elbow, bend of knee, armpit.
Creative nature illuminated through yoga and intuition
If you knew that every day I imagine where you are
And wonder if I could find you in my days,
Maybe you’d look for me. (Lucas, 2015)
The Lymphatic System has a watery nature, which relates to creativity and intuition. The sixth chakra (Third Eye Chakra) of intuition is known to reside in the Lymphatic System. When this chakra is out of balance—my intuitive nature blocked—I am not myself, emotional and do not trust (i.e., cannot see with my inner eye). If I cannot trust my intuition, I cannot clear out the emotions held captive by the Rajas and Tamas in my yoga practice. If I cannot get past the first yoga sutra, complete cessation of the mind, I cannot find my true self (i.e., Sattva). If I cannot find my spirit and am not present, I am not able to experience all of the benefits of my yoga practice. As a result I cannot see. A full circle. The sixth chakra is known to be circularly connected to the second chakra which is creativity. (Judith, 1987)
I activate the Lymphatic System with my yoga’s pure focus and long even breaths. It ignites clarity, setting my creative heart up for magic. Backbends in yoga are not just about the back, but about the front opening up—the lymph vessels, enlivening a somatic sensation. When this subtle channel is thriving I feel personal power and beauty.
Yoga asanas, vinyasas and breathing help to pump this precious fluid. It is a healthy system for people who exercise. Stopping the body’s movement causes stagnancy in the system. The Lymphatic System does not have an organ to pump the lymph. Lymphatic massage is a method employed to help get the lymph fluid pumping more easily throughout the body, and afterwards, drinking water is important to flush out all of the toxins that were massaged out. A lymphatic massage is a slow, light-pressured gentle massage on these vessels and nodes mostly on the front side of the body, which also opens up a sensual, creative power in me.
In TCM, where energetic Yin-Yang balance is key, the stomach and spleen act as a crucial central axis for many physiological processes since they are the center for Qi and Blood, and therefore all organs depend on them for nourishment. Healthy Spleen-Qi (i.e., storage depot for blood) ascends to send the essences extracted from food up to the Lungs and Heart where they are transformed into Qi and Blood. (Maciocia, 1989, p. 60)
Ashtanga and the Nervous System
If you heard me explain through my wounds,
Maybe you could feel yourself and me better
And then know why I am shielding you from me. (Lucas, 2015)
My livelihood is directly affected by my emotions, which leads to my Nervous System. At my edges in my Ashtanga yoga practice, I discover solutions to the mystery of me. The Ashtanga Second Series: Nadi Shodhana, which I practice five day per week, is nervous system cleansing. As my Nervous System has been sufficiently cleansed and body released and open, I am also at the beginning of The Ashtanga Third Series, Advanced A: Sthira Bhaga four days per week added on to my Second Series practice, while the fifth practice day is only Second Series, and the sixth practice day is only Primary Series (Yoga Chikitsa).
There is a lot of discussion in Ashtanga about pains, and what is necessary for growth past patterns and what type of pain is to be avoided. How to distinguish between creative discomfort, unnecessary pain and necessary, karmic pain? It is important to recognize the difference, where discomfort helps us along in practice, pain does not; it is more beneficial to adjust each pose to truly feel the body's joy, and repeat that. However, karmic pain stays with us and once recognized as that, should be faced and felt so that it has an opportunity to burn away for good. (Maehle, 2015)
I personally have experienced these discomforts and unnecessary pain and adjusted accordingly. I’ve also felt the necessary, karmic pain in the Nervous System, where “pain” is agitation/overactive nerves. My yoga nervous system cleansing identifies and speeds up the burning off of the “pain” (i.e., Samskaras). Whatever arises, I consider a gift, despite the uneasiness. Consistency with Ashtanga yoga pays off, and speeds up my processing of the karmic pain. This process continues as I do.
Emotions and relaxing the overthinking mind
Over time backbends evolve from evoking sadness to love and intuition; neck poses evolve from evoking anger to a state of calm; spine movements evolve from evoking fear to freedom. At first, dedicated morning Ashtanga Second Series felt great during yoga class but left my Nervous System feeling raw afterward, until I returned again to yoga. Calming this entailed: feeling my emotional heart, using my bandhas, remembering that stress recruits my body’s energy stores to overcome imbalance, warming and grounding my Vata dosha, performing headstands and deep breathing into my lower belly Qi center.
Jill Bolte Taylor (2008), neuroscientist and brain expert who experienced a stroke, explains in My Stroke of Insight that the natural lifespan of an emotion—the average time it takes for it to move through the Nervous System and body—is only a minute and a half. After that we need thoughts to keep the emotion rolling. So, if we wonder why we lock into painful emotional states like anxiety, depression, or rage, we need look no further than our own endless stream of inner dialogue. As I’ve come to terms with this in my own nervous system cleansing through Ashtanga yoga, I’ve been able to pass through the difficult states more quickly.
On the flip side, sometimes the nerves create excitation and happiness, and the desire to drift off into ecstatic happiness. I ask myself why I would want to make myself completely complacent and do away with this wonderful part of me? I do not. It is my personality that I like. Kept in check, I keep who I am in balance.
The Central Nervous System
The Nervous System directs complex processes—seeing, hearing, tasting, feeling, responding. It regulates the internal environment and links to the external environment. It directs the body’s organs so that they do not act independently of each other in chaos.
The central nervous system (CNS) comprises the brain and spinal cord, which controls the entire body. Neurons receive and transmit biochemical information and are classified as either sensory or motor. Glial cells (i.e., neuroglia) provide structural support for the neurons. One type of neuroglia, called astrocytes, helps form the blood-brain barrier which prevents or slows the flow of unwanted substances into the brain tissue. They also help seal off damaged nerve tissue. Smaller microglia in CNS act during inflammation or injury. The Nervous System coordinates the activities that bring about a response to stimulus with these activities:
Reception - information is gathered from external environment at receptors
Transmission - information is delivered by sensory neurons to the CNS
Integration - appropriate response is determined
Response - nerve impulse is dispatched via motor neurons to effectors (e.g., muscles, glands) that will generate a response to the stimulus
The spinal cord nerve coordination consists of coordinating reflexes and networking to the brain. The brain is the organizing and processing center of the Nervous System for consciousness, sensation, memory and coordination. The cerebral cortex, outer layer of the brain, is the highest order region of brain, controlling speech and thought process, interpreting information from senses, controls voluntary responses, reduces inhibitions and dulls senses. The limbic system controls emotions and memory. The cerebellum controls movement, balancing voluntary and involuntary muscles. The hypothalamus controls sexual arousal and performance. The pituitary gland signals the kidneys to excrete more or less water, increasing or decreasing urination, dehydrating / hydrating. The brain stem, or medulla, controls what’s involuntary such as breathing, heart rate and circulation. (Alcamo & Krumhardt, 2004, pp. 198-221)
Anxiety is driven by the Autonomic System (Sympathetic and Parasympathetic). Like Yin/Yang in TCM, there is a fine balance between the sympathetic (a.k.a., “fight or flight”) which alerts the body to emergency with epinephrine and Parasympathetic which calms. A sympathetic response includes impulses to muscles, heartbeat, artery constriction, pupil dilation, etc. The Parasympathetic returns the body to normal after a crisis (slowly). When life is stressful, the Sympathetic is aroused (quickly)
A fine balance in the subtle body
Yoga activates the Parasympathetic Nervous System, but to imagine that Ashtanga yoga works on nerve coordination, sensation, memory, emotions, thought process, voluntary response, inhibition, voluntary and involuntary movement, sexuality, hydration, breathing, heart rate and circulation... is mind-blowing to say the least. I am filled with gratitude that I have found this mind-body-spirit practice!
When my Nervous System is balanced, I can see my full potential as a person on all levels. My spirituality is most beaming like a light that I cannot put out. Confidence has no barriers. I take my Nervous System health to the nth degree by listening to its messages throughout the day. I feel it working its magic. Ashwagandha Ayurvedic herb is my favorite "quick fix" potion for fatigue, which I take proactively after yoga each morning. Its benefits include relief from anxiety, insomnia, backache, menstrual and liver problems. It is specifically used to balance Vata Ayurveda dosha types. As Frawley et al. (2003) discern, “if Vata is disturbed at any karma, there will be severe pain not only at the karma site but in the entire body. Vata symptoms like fear, anxiety, nervous agitation will increase" (p. 38). I have experienced this karmic “pain” but Mysore-style yoga has helped me to really touch it on a level I had never experienced before practicing it specifically.
Nutrition and the Digestive System
If you saw my teardrops when I think of the way you turn away
When I say it wrong,
Maybe you’d know the truth. (Lucas, 2015)
The Digestive System organs break down large food molecules into smaller ones where they are absorbed along with minerals and water into the body. Gastrointestinal tract (i.e., mouth, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, large intestine) and accessory organs (i.e., salivary glands, liver, pancreas) all work together.
The mouth receives food and mechanically digests it using the tongue and teeth, mixing it with saliva for lubrication, which begins digestion. The pharynx is the passageway to the Respiratory System—food and breath both using the same pathway—and leads to the esophagus, delivering food to the stomach. The stomach secretes acids and digestive enzymes and gastric juices such as pepsin and hydrochloric acid to break down proteins, and sends it to the small intestine for the majority of the digestive process. The pancreas contributes enzymes and attempts to balance the pH by neutralizing acidity. The liver contributes bile, which is stored in the gallbladder, and also controls carbohydrate metabolism, converting some amino acids into energy. The liver also breaks down fatty acids to be processed in metabolism. In addition, the liver removes drugs and hormones from the blood, excreting them into the bile.
The large intestine is also referred to as the colon. The cecum connects the small to large intestine, where non-digested materials first travel up the ascending colon—on right side of abdomen, across through the transverse colon—horizontally, across the top of the abdomen, where it then becomes the descending colon—left side of abdomen. At the bottom of its path, it becomes the sigmoid colon—S-shaped structure that descends downward toward the rectum. The functions of the large intestine are to reabsorb water, ions, vitamins and compact the waste material. (Alcamo & Krumhardt, 2004, p. 379)
I personally have a gastrointestinal / esophagus condition which makes it difficult for me to swallow under certain circumstances. It is related to the Nervous System as well. The esophagus has an involuntary muscle, whereas the muscle in the mouth is voluntary. The involuntary phase of swallowing is controlled by the Autonomic Nervous System, where induction of muscular contractions (i.e., peristalsis) is in the esophagus. The Vagus Nerve has various functions, one of which affects the esophagus. My condition causes digestive discomfort but also panic as the ability to breathe is connected to the life force. Digestion is an important system, only recognized when it is not working so well. Nutrition, in particular a gluten-free diet, helps as does keeping the Nervous System in its optimal state. Each day I take a supplement to stimulate the Vagus Nerve (Nervinum-Vagum), a supplement to repair gaps in the gut, kombucha, liquid calcium which contains magnesium, Healthy Vata Ayurvedic herb, probiotics, turmeric/ginger tea, water and vitamin D3, for overall health.
Anger and fear extinguished with internal fire and surrender
My Digestive System is related to my emotions and my yogic energy. This is not an intuitive connection. A five-day green juice cleanse is mostly intestinal and induces the most mindful clarity. When I am most stressed, it is invaluable to breathe into my lower belly, especially with my hand placed there. I focus on this area in yoga but also in life—all related to the same physical area of the body.
The Digestive System organs are in the second and third chakras. The second chakra, the center for creativity and sensuality, explains part of why my emotions are affected by digestion. My yoga practice has a profound effect on digestion within the subtle body but also anatomically. Synthesizing the two notions together,
the second chakra is illuminated by contracting and lengthening the iliopsoas muscle. This is due to stimulation of the various sensory nerves at its origin and insertion, within the muscle itself, and the skin surrounding it. (Long, 2006, p. 58)
I am impressed by the power of psoas stretches. The third chakra, the center of self-esteem, explains why I would feel my confidence affected by negative digestion—anger and manipulative emotions arise when this system is not in balance.
Third chakra Digestive System and muscle malfunction points to hypoglycemia and digestive disorders. (Judith, 1987, p. 150) My third chakra of self-esteem needs to perform. I exhibited this more fiercely when I began Mysore yoga as I was guided by my ego to overcome insecurities in the third chakra. This chakra is about transformation and using the internal fire just as the Digestive System. Located in the solar plexus, it is the source of the "butterfly feelings" when I am feeling nervous, heightening sensitivities, which takes us back to the Autonomic Nervous System, sympathetic in particular. Judith (1987) explains that “when we are grounded, this stimulation can be empowering and vitalizing. Without grounding, we may get a flurry of undirected energy” (p. 154).
The third chakra of personal power is the most interesting to me as it fluctuates—and it is the one which gives me the most trouble too. Developing personal power within has always been important to me and has plagued me. Personal power is also dependent upon the upper chakras—fifth of communication, sixth of intuition, seventh of spirit connection—but it should not be at the expense of the lower chakras—first of survival, second of creativity, third of self-esteem. My personal power comes from within my guts, visions, creativity and intelligence. “I access the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage” (Friedrich Neitzsche, 1886).
I must first overcome inertia (i.e., meditation-in-motion yoga)—and I feel this empowerment once I am in the middle of my yoga practice, having gone through the physically challenging part. There I am able to give up feeling like a victim to anything at all, moving past inclination toward self-criticism. This becomes healing and grounding. It is also a good way to release blocked anger through love and laughter.
Toward the first couple months into my Mysore practice in the Ashtanga Primary Series—practicing every day, I developed pain in my sacrum. This was an eye-opener to the fact that my 18 years of yoga beforehand were not a good warm-up for daily Ashtanga. It identified a damaging physical pattern I had developed with my yoga practice, which was illuminated by doing the same poses every day. My yoga teacher figured it out: I was not doing the internal rotation on many of my yoga poses correctly. A digestive issue developed soon after. This sacral pain was connected to my lower chakras. My fear, creativity and self-esteem were in havoc as a result.
To get over this, I had to surrender to myself. I remembered that sometimes when I give something in my life too much attention, its incorrigible nature feeds on itself alone and make it worse. I told myself that my practice needs to be about my subtle body now, not physical. That is how I healed myself, together with the internal rotation correction, repeated daily. My sacrum pain went away and my digestion was cured too, while still practicing yoga every day; it took two months.
TCM helps to explain digestion as Qi burns in the Digestive System together with the Lymphatic System. Digestion transforms Qi, which if happening properly, allows movement, growth and health. When Qi moves in the right direction, it is the basis for the movement of blood, transformation of essence, movement of body fluids, digestion of food, absorption of nourishment, excretion of waste, moistening of sinews and bones, and moistening of skin and resistance to exterior pathogenic factors. (Maciocia, 1989, p. 59)
Regulating plasma and tissues through the Urinary System
The Urinary System, while seemingly related to the Digestive System, is significantly different. Its primary function is to regulate the composition and concentration of the plasma and tissue fluids surrounding the body’s cells, and to form urine from the blood plasma in the kidneys. The kidneys regulate the volume of blood plasma, contributing to blood pressure. They control the concentration of waste products in the blood, and regulate the concentration of electrolytes affecting pH levels of the plasma. (Alcamo & Krumhardt, 2004, p. 432)
The nephron is the functional unit of the kidney, consisting of small vessels carrying blood, which goes through filtration as the blood reabsorbs many materials of value to the body; it secretes substances to be removed from the body, which ends up in urine. Reabsorption of salts and water occurs separately. Approximately 95% of urine is water, and 5% is solid organic waste—one being toxic urea, ions and salts. Urea is a product of liver metabolism, created during the conversion of amino acids to energy-supplying compounds. (Alcamo & Krumhardt, 2004, pp. 434-441)
Blood and the Cardiovascular System
If you knew that I could and desire to protect you
And know exactly what to do and how to hold you,
Maybe you would feel content now just imagining it. (Lucas, 2015)
The heart's main purpose is to pump blood through the veins. Blood is the life force. The physical heart also has an emotional component. Blood is a connective tissue. It is an aqueous solution made up of blood plasma—over 50%—and blood cells. The blood plasma is 92% water, and the rest consists of metabolic waste products from cells, hormones, nutrients, dissolved gases, clotting proteins and ions. The proteins in plasma fall into three categories: a) albumins maintain blood osmotic pressure and contribute to the viscosity of the blood, responsible for maintaining consistent pH in the blood, transporting fatty acids and hormones; b) globulins are part of the immune response and body’s defense; c) fibrinogens are a product of the liver, involved in blood clotting. Healthy blood cells are 99% red blood cells, and 1% white blood cells and platelets. The blood cells are suspended in the liquid blood plasma. Blood cells and other components protect the body from disease by recognizing and destroying microorganisms and foreign molecules in the bloodstream, transporting metabolic waste from the cells to the kidneys, carrying nutrients from the Digestive System to the cells and hormones throughout the body. (Alcamo & Krumhardt, 2004, pp. 283-284)
Everything that we take into our body ends up in our blood stream. We learned that the Urinary System forms urine from the blood plasma via the kidneys, and that this contributes to blood pressure. The kidneys carry blood, filtrate it, and get rid of the waste to cleanse it.
Oxygen is a big part of blood but the healthy levels of oxygen in blood come from the lungs. Blood transports oxygen from the lungs to the blood cells and carbon dioxide waste from the blood cells to the lungs. Oxygen saturation is the measure of the regulated balance of oxygen in the blood. Normal blood oxygen levels are 95-100% and levels below 90% are considered low resulting in hypoxemia; levels below 80% compromise organs such as the brain and heart. Continued low blood oxygen levels may lead to respiratory or cardiac arrest. Oxygen therapy may be used to assist.
Blood pressure is defined as the pressure of blood in its circulation throughout the body, closely related to the heartbeat and the diameter and elasticity of the arterial walls. If the blood cannot flow smoothly through the arteries, this results in high blood pressure, causing heart conditions. Heart rate is measured in beats per minute. Slower rates at rest and during activity are indications of healthy hearts. Also, the quicker your heart rate returns to stable levels after extreme exercise, the healthier. When the Nervous System is out of balance toward the Sympathetic, the heart rate naturally goes up; the heart's cardiovascular health extends beyond its exercising capabilities.
Blood thinners serve as anticoagulants, which increase blood flow when the blood is thickened and "clotted". Proper circulation in a continuous flow throughout the body is imperative. Yoga techniques aid the blood’s natural flow and circulation. Cholesterol can build up in arteries and cause circulation issues or even heart attacks if a clog is too great. Cholesterol has two parts: good and bad. The bad, clogging type is from ingesting animals; it is different from fat. Bypass heart surgeries reroute clogged arteries for the purpose of restoring vital circulation.
Red meat containing animal cholesterol also provides more iron in blood. When my own Nervous System is heightened or Lymphatic System is engaged after a massage, I personally crave red meat. I listen to my body's innate cues to replenish my blood.
Red wine adds an interesting quality to the circulation. In moderation it is beneficial. It may increase testosterone—increase muscle mass, boost stamina and speed up recovery. Resveratrol found in skin of red grapes in red wine is known to slow the body's aging process, while also lowering cholesterol. Resveratrol is sold as a dietary supplement for its antioxidant and cardiovascular support, and healthy aging support. Organic red wine contains 10 times more Resveratrol than non-organic because the naturally grown grapes have to create anti-fungal, anti-bacterial compounds to survive. This message from the plant helps the human who drinks the wine survive longer.
The loving heart that heals with yoga
Yoga helps to oxygenate the blood, resulting in the high feeling of lightness but also health, as yoga's main purpose is to circulate the breath while moving the body. As I study the different anatomical systems, I am somatically feeling each system in my physical and subtle body. The bridge from the Digestive System to the Cardiovascular System has been complex for me on many levels. The pull of my life force, my heart and who I truly want to be in the world was not able to move forward until I really dealt with a trauma inside me—not just theoretically here as I type. The scary, potentially digestive issues I have had in the past came back fully to remind me that I am still not in balance, and to highlight its connection to the Nervous System as involuntary muscles are more in charge than herbal remedies that act on the gastrointestinal tract. Rather than walking around in pain for hours, or succumbing to fear of the inability to swallow, I asked my subtle body and loving heart in my yoga to guide me—to lead me out.
The cardiovascular blood moving through me is involuntary but it is what I feel most activated by my Ashtanga yoga practice, bridging each breath to my emotional heart as well as subtle and physical blood system. Upon studying the Cardiovascular System, my yoga practice handed me my next physical ailment to somatically get the most out of my studies: a rib attachment injury right atop my heart—mimicking a broken heart. The strain was off to the right a bit, while the heart is off to the left. I believe that full healing incorporates the emotional heart’s boundaries. I had a subtle vantage point from which to see and feel my emotional heart, which happens to be off to the right instead of left; sometimes it is easier to see something from a distance, not smothering it by being up too close.
This minor pain affected me in most of my yoga practice, forcing me to adjust the sensitive alignment of bones, muscles and stamina so that I could protect the area, and heal it properly, primarily through movement and breath. I did this while continuing my usual Ashtanga Second Series in its entirety, focusing on Nervous System cleansing, along with weekly Primary Series. Extra breath physiologically soothed the discomfort, and opened my emotional heart as my involuntary physical heart would beat on, circulating my blood. Keeping my body warm alleviated much of the pain. The answer is to relax my heart on all levels...
Blood is actually a healing entity as injured ligaments of the body heal slower than muscles, for example, because ligaments lack blood supply. As my blood pumps through, it is healing me cell by cell. Deep breathing in yoga anatomically compresses the veins in the abdomen and pushes blood towards the chest into the heart. And then it reverses, causing blood in both legs to be pulled toward the abdomen. The cycle continues, improving the venous return to the heart. So, it is not just the breath but the circulation of our blood to and from the heart that provides optimal health. Blood gives us life just as breath.
Inversions in yoga (i.e., inverting the body upside down) reverse the gravitation pull of blood downward away from the heart, which increases the venous return from the legs to the heart, improving circulation. Inversions reverse the blood flow and some yogi sages say it reverses aging, but physiologically the inversion of the body changes the feeling in the body because gravity is a factor. Our body knows which way is up and down, and when it changes, it exerts a different set of rules on our homeostasis. An integral part of each Ashtanga yoga practice is the Opening and the Finishing; the Finishing entails two inversions—Sarvangasana (i.e., Shoulder Stand) and Sirsasana (i.e., Headstand), each held for 15-25 breaths.
Yin-Yang philosophy
Yin-Yang philosophy makes sense to me for yoga. It is dialectic logic where
the whole is a contingent structure in reciprocal interaction with its own parts and with the larger whole of which it is a part. As parts and wholes evolve as a consequence of their relationship, constants become variables, causes become effects, and systems develop that regenerate and destroy the conditions that give rise to them. (Beinfield & Korngold, 1991, p. 49)
When I have a physical ailment, it intrinsically affects my heart and emotions.
Yin and yang are associated with each substance and process. Food (yin) is transmuted by metabolic activity (yang) into more substance and more heat and metabolic activity. The front of the body (yin) is protected by folding the arms and legs to enclose the chest and abdomen, whereas the back of the body (yang) is relatively exposed. Qi (yang) is activity; blood (yin) is substance. Blood (yin) is circulated (yang). Blood is considered the medium of the mind as it carries chemical messages and hormones. (Beinfield & Korngold, 1991, pp. 50-59)
I see yin-yang as a metaphor for the subtle body activated in my yoga, changing me one molecule at a time. Through the biggest challenges, sticking with it results in profound changes where I can feel what used to bother me now, still alive, become the guide to the next opening that I will later experience. Facing my emotional heart results in the biggest transformation. Through daily yoga poses in the Ashtanga Primary Series and Second Series, I cut through my ego and anger that had existed on a somatic level; I evaporate the anger, and when it is substance turned to mist, I follow it like a cloud—a beacon. It leads me to my self-confidence and to the source of its hindrance in my occasional feeling that I am doing something wrong. I no longer automatically go there in my personal story.
Changing my somatic self on the molecular level does not require will power, as if I need a reminder. I label energetic trauma as toxins that needs to be discharged, and if I hold trauma without a story—just feel it in my body even if it is uncomfortable—it vanishes. This is automatic for me now thanks to my Ashtanga yoga practice. The blood that flows through me knows me best and guides me on my journey toward optimal health.
What is a heart,
I ask, is it you?
Do you hear me,
Flowing blood, protecting love,
Building walls, melting eyes
Always beating?
You carry lifetimes of veins of cells and secrets. (Lucas, 2012)
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